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Are you entangled in a difficult
relationship with a mentor, therapist or trainer?
We help people untangle
their lives and reclaim their freedom.
Were you Abused?
As you read this, you may discover
disturbing facts about yourself and people you know ... and you may
need guidance to check whether your perceptions
are accurate. Please talk to good friends about how damage by mentors,
therapists or spiritual advisors may apply to your life.
Whatever happened ...
don't make it worse ... avoid hasty conclusions or retribution.
Most abusers claim good intentions. Some
may say that they want to help you reach the highest spiritual
experiences. They may say that they want to help you avoid future
suffering. They may claim to help you by making decisions for you.
But later on, you may feel manipulated and depressed.
Few religions, philosophies or cults make guidelines about how much
authority the leaders can assume over their followers, and abuse by teachers,
priests and other mentors
is common in organizations. (An associated possibility is
financial abuse, e.g. fraud and
exploitation by television evangelists, etc.)
Many people who have taken popular or New age therapies,
have told us that they felt good for a time, and then felt worse. If they dissociated
(kicked out) their unpleasant feelings and emotions, they ceased to feel their
own "early-warning" signals and lost contact with themselves.
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I became a therapist to help people, and I chose a modality that helped me
get rid of a lot of negative emotions. Now, however, I feel like an empty shell.
Those emotions were part of ME ... how can I get them back? London,
England
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Lasting happiness requires that you gather information, make
decisions and take responsibility, even when your results are not what you
wanted. Your consequences can help you make better decisions.
How to Assess a Coach, Therapist, Guru or Mentor
Were you damaged by a therapist or mentor? Can you now
recognize a reliable coach or a supportive therapist or a quality mentor?
You may feel suspicious and seek proof of competence.
If possible, watch a potential mentor
helping other people, and talk to people who have been mentored by or
who were clients of this person. Note if a potential therapist or mentor:
- has effective interpersonal skills
- has quality personal relationships
- provides feedback for better relationships
- can assess needs and diagnose problems
- expresses their philosophy in
their own lives
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- is competent and caring
- is accepting and empathic
- is trustworthy and credible
- is experienced and supportive
- is friendly and knowledgeable
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Ask yourself if a potential mentor is likely to help
you to:
- evaluate your relationships and
relationship entanglements?
- recover identity loss; your lost
qualities, expertise and skills?
- end self-criticism and inner
conflict, and help you recover integrity?
- dissolve emotional trauma and abuse,
and rebuild your motivation?
- dissolve mentor or therapy damage &
find inspirational mentorship?
- define your goals, resolve your objections
and plan for your success?
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Spiritual Abuse & Toxic Mentorship
Spiritual abuse occurs when people who consider themselves
to be authorities attempt to control or manipulate you, often using
abstract words to advance their own agendas. Most commonly, they advocate
abstract ideals - with little regard to their consequences. They often try to
replace
your duty to your own life with some religious
dogma, philosophy or political agenda.
Many mental health
issues are healthy reactions to unhealthy relationships!
One result is cult-like behavior. You may become dependent or
compliant. You may believe and do things that you would previously avoid. You may
feel anxious if you do not follow orders. You may feel depressed that you alienate
your family or friends. You start to conform to disliked behaviors. You may
feel anger towards people who disagree with you ... and you may want to punish
heretics!
Later, you may not trust any authority. You may
be unable to recognize who supports your integrity and who does not. You may
dismiss potential mentors as charlatans; therapists as con-artists;
religious leaders as crooks. You may feel victimized, unhappy and angry.
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Since I entered the world of NLP, hypnotherapy
and inspirational self-improvement, my life has changed. I definitely don't like
these changes, but I can't get out of them because they were imprinted in me on
an emotional level ... Chicago |
Such abuse need not last forever and you can heal most of your wounds. As you heal any mentor
abuse,
spiritual damage or worthless therapy, you can find healthier ways to express love,
and regain self-respect. We often coach victims of abuse to learn who to trust and
how be trustworthy.
Commitment, Community & Friendship
Healthy relationships require relationship skills. People with poor relationship skills risk using organizations as substitutes for parents, friends, partnership and parenthood. They risk
joining cults.
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I can't tell you how many times I was spiritually abused. I searched
for a long time for people of integrity who have the courage to admit
when they don't have all the answers. Your simple honesty means the world
to me. Philadelphia
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Some people may pretend friendship to obtain or elicit information
from you - which they later use to hurt you, manipulate you or sell you something.
While salespeople are notorious for manipulation, other friends and
associates may also try to influence your behavior or control your decisions.
Authority Abuse & Relationship Bonds
Most children defer to their parents. Most students obey their teachers.
Most employees comply with their managers. Most devotees
worship their gurus.
Relationship bonds affect all of life.
Many people may try to control your disposable income,
your vote or your behavior. Some want your respect, or your recognition
that they have power over you. Some people want your love or devotion.
You may not realize what is happening because they use peer pressure and guilt
to enforce and reinforce your obedience.
If you try to make people do things - people who
are not your children, students or employees - you may want to be seen as an
authority. If you obsess about controlling people, you may
depend on those people to depend on you (see
codependence). No matter your intentions,
if you try to replace their parents,
teachers or employers ... perhaps you want to be perceived as some sort of guru.
You risk becoming dependent on the dependence of others.
You may become codependent with people who cling to your dependence on them.
If you are successful, you can witness a cult forming ... a cult of you.
(Many people diagnosed as psychotic seem to start cults with only one member ...
themselves!)
Obsessions, Compliance & Spiritual Abuse
While you may not consider yourself to be a cult-leader
or a cult follower - many other intelligent, caring people get caught in
these webs of deception. All you need do is accept someone's ideas as revealed truth
without checking the facts, or by ignoring the consequences of your compliance.
Instead of checking the consequences of ideas that fit
your prejudices, you may justify your obsessions and convince
yourself that you are somehow special or spiritual or
chosen. (Untangling or rewinding such mentor damage may require more time and effort than
resolving the original problems.)
Being abusive is easy for some people. Be prejudiced,
blame, shame and criticize people and persuade them that your way is better.. Make decisions
for other people. Treat adults like children and promote your own dogma and obsessions!
Then deal with the consequences.
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Intentions |
Likely Consequences |
| Blame |
You blame others for your errors.
You want other people to pay for your
mistakes. |
You need to prove yourself right.
You cannot
forgive yourself - or others.
You are preoccupied with anger and judging. |
| Shame |
You want to hide mistakes.
You want people to validate your life by following your
advice. |
You will not admit mistakes
You only do what you are good at
You live a double life, hiding much of yourself |
| Dogma |
You want people to believe what you
believe - and you believe that you should instruct or control them. |
You prefer philosophy to integrity
You avoid individual responsibility
You define happiness as obedience |
| Ideas |
You want to reduce your conflict.
You want people to deny ideas or ignore opinions that differ to yours.
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You ignore your feelings and emotions
You feel threatened by different opinions
You are suspicious of people generally |
| Image |
You want to look good. Your facade is
more important than your happiness. |
You manage your image to gain recognition, respect
and perhaps money, but you lose contact with your own sense of life
and your happiness |
| Authority |
You want people to support your
authority. You try to minimize their relationships outside your system. |
You obsess about other people's behavior, how
their behavior reflects your authority,
and how things look to people more powerful than you. |
| Money |
You want to own or control
other people's money or possessions - for a greater good, of course. |
You know what everything costs, except for joy, happiness and
integrity. You may
be a thief - for your best good cause ... for yourself. |
Spiritual Terrorism
Although obsessions and fixations can produce cults
and sects, they do not compare to those people who deliberately sabotage
and destroy the human spirit. Few drug dealers claim spiritual,
patriotic or humanitarian missions, as do many organizations which
recruit and train people to become killers.
(The word heretic is probably derived from the
Greek hairetikos, which means choice. As religious leaders often
want other people to believe what they are told and not choose for themselves,
scientific theories may be called heretical.)
Spiritual Recovery & Multiple Mentorship
It is unlikely that any one person can provide all your
mentorship needs. Seek mentors with specific life skills and competencies that
match your goals.
Study them, and choose what you want to emulate - and
what you want to reject. We can help you find and benefit from
quality mentors of your choice and help you assimilate their skills and
qualities into your life.
Coaching is about the future and what
supports it,
while therapy is more about the past and what maintains it.
As you seek inspirational mentors - you will also find
people who inspire you not to follow their path and people whose
lives show you the consequences of certain decisions.
Are part of the life of this planet? Do you feel that you
belong here?
Choose how you learn what is good for you and act now.
Online Coaching & Training
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 2005-2012 All rights reserved.
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