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I often say that there's no such thing as family secrets
...
people express their family's secrets in their everyday lives.
and the children of secret-keepers often carry a
heavy burden.
If you are concealing secrets, you may also be hiding
strong emotions. You may feel and
express
anger, fear or distress if you even suspect that someone knows your secrets!
(If you feel relaxed about keeping toxic secrets, how did you learn to do that?)
Although we often help people
dissolve the consequences of family secrets,
and we are discrete, please do not tell us details of your private
family history
until you want to find solutions for the emotions and behaviors caused by it.
Hearing what you cannot say
When do family secrets start? Some things seem to
be starts - finding the secret bottles, the hidden magazines, the letters from
an overly friendly friend - but those are not starts. The drinking, the
pornography, the affair are just single frames of movies that may have started a
long time ago.
Many laundry workers are experts on stains,
and they might tell you a surprising amount about your life based
on the stains on your clothes. We help people clean up their emotional
laundry baskets, and we have learned some important things about emotional
stains ... and emotional stain-removal.
We help people explore and change their emotional
baggage and relationship blocks. Over time we have learned to recognize
many emotional patterns and behavioral habits that suggest certain relationship
disappointments. We often hear what people cannot say.
Disclosing family secrets can be difficult. Both
telling and not-telling can have strong consequences. For example, if a
child uses a parent’s computer and finds emails about an
extra-marital affair - that child may confront the parent, or tell the other
parent, or delete the files, or say and do nothing. Any of these actions will
likely
have emotional and relationship consequences.
Doing nothing or pretending to forget may seem the
safest and easiest course of action, but such memories can be come toxic - and
sometimes transform into obsessions, compulsions or fixations related to the
toxic secrets. Clarity can sometimes avoid depression or help manage
grief and loss.
Family secrets can trigger strong emotions. If a conversation gets too close to
the truth, or if
you are unsure whether or not your secret is still secret, you may feel
and express anger, fear, sadness or guilt. You will likely confuse your family,
and perhaps start or continue a chain reaction which will affect your
children, and through them, future generations.
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People who obsess and fixate on other people
may be unable to maintain healthy relationships ... and unable to maintain
healthy partnership or parenthood ...
until they identify, clarify and assimilate their family secrets!
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Cross-Generational Enmeshments (Family Karma)
Relationship disappointments
such as abuse, abandonment, suicide, abortion and betrayal
leave imprints on the individuals involved, on their families and
on their descendents.
These imprints often show up as immaturity, obsessions, fixations and compulsions.
Do you follow rigid, pre-determined
patterns of thought, speech and behavior? Is your life on autopilot?
Are you making choices – or just repeating past behaviors, rather like a
laboratory animal in a maze? (Many people repeat what
works - and some people endlessly repeat what does not work.)
The Sanskrit word karma refers to
the idea that individual actions can trigger cycles of cause and
effect. By family karma, I refer to family actions that
trigger similar cycles in subsequent generations. Family karma
happens if families do not resolve or dissolve the actions that created it.
Family karma refers to habits learned in childhood -
habits that we encoded into our bodies and minds. You can’t free yourself
of those habits by
thinking about them or even by understanding them. (Perhaps your
parents wanted to free themselves of their parents' habits, and you are
repeating their desires).
Your family's history probably influences your relationships, your career,
and your everyday behavior. Recognizing and healing your family dynamics can
liberate you from many habits. Many people seem to repeat their parents' drama.
Do you want to end self-sabotage and create your own future?
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I am married but I am obsessed by a
man I work with, although I don't like him, his friends or what he does with his
life. When I described him to my mother, she said that she had a secret romance
with a man rather like him, but that she would not leave my father. She also said
that HER mother talked about a similar romance. |
If you recognize and clarify your roles and responsibilities in your
relationships, and if you integrate split-off parts of yourself
(inner children), you can
experience integrity - the Soul of Soulwork.
Your sense of integrity can provide a moral and ethical compass whenever you
feel lost or confused.
You react to your parent's secrets ... even if you were
never told!
Perhaps the greatest gift you can give to your children is to clean up your
life and enjoy a happy partnership as a basis for responsible parenthood. If
you and your partner can express adult love for each other; then your children
can relax and enjoy being part of a happy family.
Your children react to your secrets ... even if they are
never told!
But if you lack relationship skills, or if you express yourself in
immature or chaotic ways, then your relationship disappointments and
subsequent guilt may be handed down to or copied by your
children ... and later by their children ... and so on, across the
generations. Let's look at some literature ...
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Yet He does not leave the guilty
unpunished; He punishes the children and their children for the sins
of the parents to the third and fourth generations.
Bible (New International Version), Exodus 34:7
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Imber-Black wrote (Secret Life of Families, 1998) "a child’s
knowledge of a secret may distort family power dynamics, alienate a child
from one or both parents, and isolate him or her from siblings".
Lerner wrote (from Dance of Deception, 1993) "The negative
effects of secrecy on children may stay underground for years, even decades,
until the child reaches a key anniversary age or a particular stage in the
family life cycle". He also wrote, "In the shadow of secrecy,
children are especially vulnerable to acting out or developing symptoms".
Earle & Earle wrote (from Sex Addiction: Case Studies and Management, 1995)
"The secrets of parents cannot help but prove destructive to the child.
... Secrets creep into every aspect of family living, creating high levels of
psychological stress, pressure, and tension. ... Children may not even be
consciously aware of the family secrets, but these secrets seldom escape
the unconscious.”
Carl Jung said (from Disclosure to Children by Claudia
Black, 2003),
"The most important gift a parent can give a child is to tell them
about their dark side. Telling children about your struggles helps them
developmentally to have a realistic picture of what it means to be human".
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All my life I felt guilty. During our sessions I realized that
I always felt a dead presence in front of me ... felt like an older sibling ...
felt like an older brother. My parents won't talk about it but you helped me deal with
it, and now I can better enjoy life ... Boise, Idaho |
What Do You (Really) Want?
Your life purpose is an
evolving destination that mirrors your maturity.
We coach adults to define and achieve their
chosen goals, including their relationship goals and emotional goals. For example,
do you want to:
- Enjoy happy partnership
- Maintain your desired weight
- Become a successful entrepreneur
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- Develop healthy parenthood skills
- Transition into enjoyable retirement
- Enjoy life without guilt or inner conflict
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"What has stopped you having or doing these things already?" You may find relationship disappointments, unassimilated trauma and fixations.
(We define trauma as events which cause people to split-off part of
themselves and fixation as preoccupation with a person, thing or
definition.)
If we help you sort out your
emotional baggage, we can offer you structure, support, reality checks and
feedback to help you increase your awareness, manage your emotions
and improve your relationships as you step towards your goals.
If one of us becomes your coach, we will work towards your goals,
not our own agenda. We will help you make decisions
and take action. We can help motivate and provoke you
to explore and solve whatever stops you moving ahead in your life.
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Resolve
your ancestral or family secrets before
your children attempt to carry your
emotional baggage. |
A systemic coach is part
philosopher and part alchemist, part detective
and part shaman ... and in all parts practical.
Ancestral Drama & Relationship Habits
Do you feel that you are repeating some of your parents' or
grandparents relationship drama? Do you react
to stress with aggression or dissociation - much like your ancestors? Do you
have similar emotional challenges to them? Do you want to change your emotional
and relationship habits?
| Healthy
Families |
Warning Signs |
| Family members show
appreciation and gratitude to each other |
At least one member is
often dissociated, irritated, depressed or critical |
| Family members respond to
most verbal and nonverbal communications |
At least one member ignores,
avoids or shortens most communications |
| Family members review events
in their history |
They rarely review their
relationship history |
| Family members greet after time
apart and ask about each other's activities and other news |
At least one member
rarely interacts
with the others, without even silent intimacy |
| Family members enjoy meeting
each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment |
At least one member ignores or
criticizes
other member's goals and needs |
| Family members share goals
and dreams, shared values and shared meanings. |
At least one member avoids
sharing goals,
values or dreams |
Family members
share meals
and housework together |
At least one member
prefers to work,
cook or eat alone |
Family members
often meet
or go out together |
At least one
member generally avoids
the others and does things alone |
| Family members
create events or projects which require committed cooperation |
At least one member
avoids or ignores family events, reunions and projects |
Family members
enjoy sharing
life events and family happiness |
At least one member
wants to leave but
cannot because of guilt, fear or other constraints |
| Family
members respect most of each other's choices, and politely discuss
differences |
At least
one member shows contempt
for the others' decisions or demands changes |
| Family members
want happiness together |
At least one
member prefers to avoid the others |
We can help you evaluate where you are, where you want to be and how to get from here to there.
All families have disturbances (e.g. deaths in the family,
serious illness, etc).
Did you adopt your parent's ways of coping with stress as
normal?
Act now to suffer less and enjoy more.
Online Coaching
& Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
2011-2012 All rights reserved
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