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Do you and your partner entangled want to untangle your lives and feel good
... together?
Healthy love is not so much about finding
the perfect person. It's more about being that person.
Many children's stories end with "and they
lived happy ever after”. If you want intimacy to last and happiness
to grow - base your relationship in honesty and trust, resolve conflicts
quickly, make important decisions together, show gratitude ... and understand
each other!
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My husband and I understand each
other now. Things that got on my nerves before no longer bother me. I
process them differently. We can talk at length on just about any topic.
We have not had a screaming match or resentment since getting your
coaching. Philadelphia
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I cannot reduce the complexities of partnership to a few simple
statements. Yet partnership seems to require two apparently simple tasks - the
first is to attract (and to feel attracted to) an appropriate, available partner.
The second task is to be an appropriate, available partner!
Although love appears essential for partnership, what is love?
Sexual chemistry? A feeling? A set of behaviors? Healthy partnerships seem to
need this apparently magical adhesive. Yet, while love appears necessary for a
lasting partnership, love alone is not enough. Most people need role models and
mentors.
Couples often tell us about marriage counseling that
did not help them. Many marriage counselors seem to presuppose that both
partners can discuss difficult emotions without blaming, complaining or
fighting. Certainly, if the partners knew why they feel and behave
as they do - they might not shout, ignore, avoid or dismiss each other -
and then ordinary marriage counseling might be more successful.
Many people who ask for couple coaching have little training in
communication skills. Many men do not understand women and vice versa. Europeans
and Americans often know a lot about sex, but little about intimacy. Arabic and
Oriental people often know a lot about politeness - but little about
sexual pleasure. We coach couples to coach each other on sensitive an
difficult topics.
We help couples resolve a huge
variety of couple and partnership problems. These problems often include
responsibilities such as communication, money, in-laws, sex, children, abuse,
boundaries, health, stress, infidelity, etc. We usually coach both partners
individually first, and then as a couple. We help couples understand each other,
define their goals, and develop plans to reach their goals.
Quality coaching can accelerate everything.
Sitting in a front room or around a table in is more effective than online
meetings. For example, couple coaching usually includes both partners exposing
their goals, their needs and their complaints. This will happen anyway,
often in disruptive ways, so we coach people how to handle these moments together.
Couple Communication Exercises
Should you get together? Should you stay together?
Do you both have the self-esteem needed to attract - and
be attracted to - healthy partners? Imagine that you put together
all the pieces needed for healthy partnership. Is that enough?
Some women say, "Men should be more sensitive!"
To men, that means something like, "Men should be more like women".
Then men say, "Women should be more realistic!" You can guess what
that might mean to many women. Generally, the more shoulds - the less happiness.
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We promised God that we would
stay together ... but our love slowly degenerated into
the sort of respect for each other that is only possible between two old enemies.
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Real partners have real partnership problems. If you and
your partner have no arguments or conflicts - maybe you are still on honeymoon
... or maybe you are having an affair with each other ... or perhaps you
are staying together for some other reason than lasting intimacy. Real boats
rock.
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Common Couple Coaching Issues |
| Raising children |
Sexual difficulties |
| Differing maturity |
Interfering parents |
| Money and budgets |
Suspected infidelity |
| Different expectations |
(S)he won't listen to
me |
It's unlikely that you and your partner will agree on
every detail - and many tiny conflicts will occur. Do you resolve conflicts
immediately, do you hide them - or do you hope that they will go away?
If there appear to be no conflicts, probably somebody is hiding or
avoiding important issues.
Many people hesitate for months or even years before trying
to solve relationship conflicts - and suddenly explode with pent-up emotions
over some apparently trivial detail. If you continually choose your own comfort
over managing conflicts, you may be choosing eventual alienation or separation.
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My girlfriend won't
leave her husband
because
he behaves like a wounded child. What can I do?
I can offer couple coaching for
her and her husband together ... which would be a luxury
for you too. Next best might be couple coaching for you and her, and third
best if she
gets individual coaching. Fourth best might be individual coaching for you.
Martyn |
Some partners can be resentful, angry or abusive at home, yet
can be very charming to other people. Since they were young, they used charm to
avoid and conceal core suffering. Then, friends and relatives may counsel an
abused partner to get individual help for their irrational emotions!
We coach people to make mature decisions ... whether or not
to commit; how to prepare for partnership; what
type of partnership to create ... and whether or not to separate.
If you want to check your partnership
skills, see Patterns of Partnership
| Healthy
Partnership |
Partnership
in Crisis |
| Partners often
show appreciation and gratitude to each other |
One or both are often
dissociated, irritated, depressed, critical or show contempt |
| Partners
respond to most verbal and nonverbal communications |
One or both
ignore, avoid or shorten most communications |
| Partners review
events in their history |
They rarely
review their relationship history |
| Partners greet after time
apart and ask about each other's activities and other news |
They rarely interact when
together, without even silent intimacy |
| Partners enjoy meeting
each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment |
One or both often ignore or
criticize the other's goals and needs |
| Partners discuss goals
and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. |
They rarely discuss
goals, values or dreams |
| Partners often go out
together |
They generally prefer
to go out alone |
| Partners create
projects which require committed cooperation |
One or both
often avoid, ignore or give small attention to shared projects |
| They wish to stay together
to enjoy sharing partnership and parenthood happiness |
One or both want to separate but
cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints |
| They respect most of each
other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences |
One or both show contempt
for the other's decisions and angrily demand changes |
| Partners want happiness
together |
One or both prefer
happiness alone |
Lasting Happiness
Our work includes helping couples
dream together - helping them create a
shared dream of happiness and to explore how they can build that dream in real
life. We coach people to dream together as a couple. To dream together is the
planting. To live a dream together is the harvest.
It’s easier to talk about dreams when you are both radiating
attraction. It’s more important to talk about your dreams during and after
conflicts. Dreaming together can bond you both to shared goals. Yet the goal is
Acting Together to make your dreams come true.
Have you told your partner how you dream
to be loved? Have you explored how your partner dreams to be loved?
We can help you both discuss your feelings as well as your
ideas - both as relationship first aid and as a way to
make better relationship decisions.
Do you know what each other likes
and dislikes most?
Do you use this knowledge to increase happiness or to irritate each other?
We help partners understand and validate each other's
history, perspectives, beliefs and values, as a basis for a caring
relationship and mutual support. If both partners appreciate and
support each other, it can be an even trade -
enjoying partnership is better than
partnership breakdown.
Put ELATION in RelationSHIP
Do you wait until your suffering reaches PANIC? Don't wait
until it's too late and alienate your partner. The earlier you get relationship
coaching - the more likely that you solve your issues easily.
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When I asked my husband to help with the
housework, he would stall and forget it. If I was angry, he accused me of
over-reacting. If I reminded him of his promises, he would complain I was
nagging. After our couple coaching with you, we can ENJOY doing most housework
tasks together! Other parts of our life are better too! Oahu, Hawaii |
We help partners change old habits that lead to boredom
and frustration. If both of you commit to evaluating your partnership,
and if both of you choose to be mature - budgets can be made, frustration
and boredom can be reversed, and arguments can become stimulating
conversations.
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I heard good things about your work
with partners ... we are gay ... we have been together for five years ...
you helped us remodel our relationship ... and to plan what we can do
if and when my HIV positive partner develops AIDS. Boston, Mass |
If a partner rejects possibilities for reconciliation,
then indifference, affairs or separation may seem inevitable. Although we
provide separation and divorce coaching - we prefer to help partners find
better ways to express love. Do you want your partnership to get lost in
affairs? Do you have
space for love?
Your Partner is not Perfect
And neither are you. Many people who separate are motivated
by fantasies ... perhaps a more perfect person may be waiting or one
partner wants a change (e.g. a new job) that might exclude the other; or
perhaps one partner has an affair. Relationship crises are
predictable
- and most are preventable.
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I married a perfect woman.
She was gorgeous and rich ... we had a wonderful time at her father's
expense. But when her dad had money problems, we both had to work and we
argued every day. Your couple coaching helped us ... we may not have
fancy cars and expensive holidays now, but we are adult partners ...
not adult children! Sussex, UK |
We help couples evaluate and improve their partnership
- and improve their relationships with family, ex-partners, friends and
colleagues. We help people gain certainty and dissolve doubts; and to make
decisions about the shape of their lives together.
If you ignore partnership problems, you may
destroy potentially-wonderful relationships.
Your love can get bogged down in emotional incest,
passive-aggression,
codependence or worse. Why wait for worse? Why wait at all?
Evaluate Your Partnership
Are either of you enmeshed in previous relationships?
We help you both untangle from parents, ex-lovers, siblings etc. As we commit to
helping both partners enjoy happy and fulfilling lives, we sometimes help
couples separate, disentangle and unbond as peacefully as possible.
- Do you and your partner want to be together?
- How do you show objections, conflicts or transference loops?
- How do you want to solve real-life blocks & challenges resourcefully?
Partnership First Aid
Do you know where your relationship is
right now? Do you want some insight into your partnership?
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Why get married? Why not save time?
Just find someone you hate and buy that person a house! Boston, Mass |
Set two chairs some distance apart - one for you and the other for
your partner. Sir in your own chair and tell your imagined partner
what you want and why. Then sit in your partner's chair and - as
your partner - and tell yourself (in the other chair) what you want and
why. Feel the emotions that come up.
Don't believe everything that you feel in your partner's chair ...
you are not suddenly telepathic ... ask your partner what is true.
We help partners solve challenges, arguments and
fights by themselves.
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Your couple coaching transcended
sexual attraction and personal gain ... you helped us
explore our needs and desires ...
and how we wanted to fulfill them with each other ...
we both have so many thanks ... London, England
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We coach partners to make clear, mature and healthy decisions.
We coach people to dissolve your bonds and repair dreams.
Online & Couple
Coaching for Partners
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
1998-2012 All rights reserved
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