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Are you serving other people's
values - not your own? Are you enmeshed in past relationships?
Do you want free yourself from limiting beliefs and
entanglements?
2. Bonds & Identity Loss
... 3. Resolving Emotional Bonds
Part 1: Which Beliefs are actually BONDS?
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As I developed what I later called Soulwork
Systemic Coaching, I explored many models of emotions, beliefs and
relationships used by helping professionals. I use concepts now (1999) that seem
so obvious and practical that it is strange to remember when I did not even
suspect them. This includes includes solutions for many common consequences of
severe relationship disappointments: bonds, fixations, obsessions, toxic beliefs,
compulsions, identity loss and mentor damage.
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The word belief refers to a
feeling of conviction about a verbal statement, feeling or visual
image; and the word bond refers to a feeling of connection,
enmeshment or fixation. While beliefs are more conscious, and bonds more
unconscious, both beliefs and bonds can motivate and modify behavior.
Three breakthroughs in my understanding
were to realize that many beliefs are actually bonds, that
belief-bonds are often taboo (we rarely know we have them nor
what the beliefs are) and that identity beliefs are substitutes or
compensation for a sense of self (e.g. "I am good/bad").
I use the term Bondwork to mean helping people explore and change
their relationship bonds.
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This part of Soulwork coaching includes
the work of Phineas Quimby, a nineteenth century
healer who was credited with healing thousands of people by changing their
beliefs. Quimby wrote that education and religion were the primary
cause of destructive beliefs that manifested as disease symptoms. I would add ...
parents. |
Examples of supportive bonds include:
- Feeling connected to and at home in your body
- Feeling connected to a mentor whom you respect
- Feeling connected to a meaningful life vision or purpose
- Feeling connected to a parent whom you wish to
emulate
- Feeling connected to children or pets whom you support
and care for
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For Sigmund Freud, fixations
reflected the effort people exert to move through developmental stages.
Adult skills often reflect childhood challenges ... for example people
who can be funny have often developed their humor skills under stress. |
Psychoanalytic theory refers to
fixations of sexual energy either in specific erogenous zones or
to specific objects ... but I perceive most fixations and obsessions to be
results of enmeshments and bonds. Examples of limiting fixations
include beliefs that were uncritically accepted from parents, teachers,
priests and other authorities. The consequences of limiting bonds can include:
- Acts of self-sabotage
- Feeling isolated, lost, lonely or disconnected
- Strong, chronic emotions which do not make
sense
- Failing to choose a sense of life, or a
meaningful life purpose
- Feeling stuck to people or to places
that you want to leave or avoid
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Another root of my Bondwork is in the
pre-contact huna healing
used by native Hawaiians.
Ele'ele eke (black bags) described emotional beliefs held in the body
which are difficult to heal except through deep
ho'oponopono
(traditional Polynesian family therapy). |
Now, I and many of my colleagues help people explore and change
limiting beliefs and bonds, some of which we call taboo. Taboo
implies that people may not allow themselves to recognize certain bonds - usually
to avoid threatening important relationships (typically with a parent or mentor).
We regularly help people
explore the relationship roots of their intense emotions,
compulsive behaviors and obsessive beliefs, and change the emotional roots of
self-sabotage,
obsessions and compulsions.
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Dissolving belief-bonds
and relationship fixations can change obsessions and compulsions
into ordinary temptations. |
Many Beliefs are Fixed Ideas
What do you HAVE to believe to remain in your
job? What MUST you believe to stay in your marriage? What SHOULD you believe to
be your parent's child? What are you REQUIRED to believe to participate in a religion?
And if those beliefs limit your happiness and sense of life, can you change
them?
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Parental relationship bonds are often
consequences of parental alienation
(when a parent alienates the other parent in the mind of a child) or
covert emotional incest (when a
parent or guardian uses a child as an emotional substitute for a partner). |
Many times I hear, "I want to be
healthy, but not at the expense of changing my beliefs about ... xxx",
where xxx is a life philosophy, a political slogan or religious dogma.
Many beliefs seem to be more important than health, and some beliefs seem
to be more important than life.
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Of course I want to be
healthy - but not if it means
changing my beliefs, my self-image or my lifestyle!
I've heard this many times ... Martyn |
The shared experiences and love that bond
family members are the basis for some of the strongest relationship bonds
that we can experience. But while people need strong nurturing family bonds
to function in a society of families, many people remain bonded by unpleasant
or toxic family beliefs.
Leaders of some organizations strive to create
obsessive bonds and fixations to their agendas. Consider political parties,
military organizations, multi-level marketing companies, religious cults
and sports teams. Obsessions and fixations leave people highly vulnerable
to compliance and manipulation.
Shared experiences generate relatively weak
relationship bonds. Stronger bonds can be cultural and family traditions.
Even stronger bonds are symbiosis and
codependence, and the strongest may be
identification.
See Assess Emotional Bonds.
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In 1664, Spinoza
wrote, Ethics of Human Bondage or the Strength of Emotions.
Spinoza wrote that bondage relates to human weakness in moderating
emotions. According to Spinoza, ‘when a man is prey to his emotions, he
is not his own master, but lies at the mercy of fortune.’ |
If you experienced trauma
or abuse, or if you were victim of
emotional incest or
therapy damage, you may suffer
from limiting beliefs and dysfunctional habits that impact many of your
relationships. If you are bonded to certain people or groups - triggering
these bonds can cause you to suffer the consequences of unresolved
relationship issues and other emotional baggage!
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Consider your emotional freedom to
choose ...
"How do you want to feel connected to your parents / partner /
... ?" |
The strongest bonded relationships seem to be
based on a shared sense of identity. Many beliefs beginning with I am
(e.g. "I am a medical doctor") appear to be substitutes
for identity - hence I perceive them as a type of identity
loss. I find that much dysfunctional behavior appears to be based on beliefs
that attempt to provide feelings of being connected or to compensate for identity loss.
My name is BOND
Psychological obsessions can be conscious or
unconscious. You are aware of conscious bonds - you can describe your connectedness
to certain people, groups and organizations. You may not be aware of unconscious
(taboo) bonds that can strongly influence your perception of yourself
and your behavior. Many people are fixated - they repeatedly think and act in
certain ways, without ever knowing why.
Relational bonds encourage you to cling to beliefs,
obsessions and compulsions. People often describe the more conscious relationship
bonds as colored connections or shadows between themselves and other people. These
synesthesia patterns provide much information about the nature of the bonds.
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Why do you buy your
brand of car ... or soap? Many marketing programs are
designed by psychologists to install obsessions,
compulsions and compliance. |
Taboo relationship beliefs often appear localized in body
organs or muscles - often associated with chakras and with symptoms that
may be called psychosomatic. Sometimes deep
massage can trigger bonded emotions. Dissociated relationship bonds are often
felt near (not in) the body - people often spontaneously describe them
as blocks, walls, dark clouds or entities.
Your relationship bonds determine what feels
true or right. If you feel bonded to or entangled with dysfunctional people,
for example, you may cling to irrational beliefs and behave strangely during times of
stress (work or family problems, etc), with symptoms that prevent you making
healthier decisions.
To summarize, many people appear to be unduly influenced
by parents and other mentors (e.g.
teachers and therapists). The consequences of
mentor damage include limiting beliefs, obsessions,
compulsions and psychosomatic symptoms that compensate for
disappointments and injustice. Such consequences can bond people together
- even people who may otherwise avoid each other.
Part 2. Bonds
& Identity Loss
Part 3. Resolving Emotional Bonds
We help people explore and change
unwanted relationship bonds;
and dissolve the consequences of mentor and therapist damage.
Change your Emotional Bonds
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 1999-2012
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