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Raising children exposes the parent's maturity -
and immaturity.
Here we describe support for fathers
and solutions for common father-son problems.
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My father wanted me to be a fighter
(he had been an army boxing champion), but I hated fighting. He often
called me horrible names and was preoccupied with his motorbike. He left
my family when I was twelve. Whenever we met as adults, his idea of
celebrating was to get drunk and talk about his 'glory days'. This is
exactly my shadow side. Wales, UK
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For years I have studied families and developed
solutions for entanglements between family members - especially between parents
and children (emotional incest) and between
siblings. If you find my descriptions and
conclusions about family relationships uncomfortably close to your reality
- you may feel strong emotions. If so, please relax ... and consider seeking help.
Men with father fixations may not shun women but
may despise and fear them. Men fixated on fathers may feel attracted to women as
his father was but they may feel shame of submitting to them.
They may love women ... and torture them.
Masculinity, Role Models and Becoming a Man
It seems that masculinity, however I define it, can only
be taught by men. Masculinity cannot be taught by a woman, not matter how
mannish she may act. Although some single mothers may believe that they
can teach a boy how to be a man - boys seem to need masculine
role models.
Common adolescent male role models are figures from television,
cinema, sport and music ... perhaps not the best role models
for male maturity but may be a lot better than none at all.
Boys who grow up without mature male role models
may not know how or why to mature. And if their role
models were mothers who were trying to fulfill male roles - such boys
appear to be at risk of becoming effeminate or homosexual.
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Sometimes it seems that girls
are taught how to become women,
while many boys are only taught how to become teenagers. |
Few men intend to abandon, abuse or neglect their children.
Most men have good intentions to prepare their children for independence ...
but good intentions are not enough. We help people build healthy relationships,
which can reunite fathers with their sons, especially if they have experienced
past disappointments or other communication problems.
Father-Daughter Bonding .
Mother-Son
Fixation . Mothers & Daughters
Sons follow Fathers
Some men recognize the difficult behavior of their fathers,
and want to give their sons what they never had. Some fathers only show interest
in their sons if the sons copy their preferred sport or career. Some
men see their sons as proof of their masculinity and try to make them as
tough as possible, rejecting gentler qualities as weak. They might try to
separate boys from their mother's influence as early as possible, perhaps trying
to make them independent and strong by emotional deprivation.
When these sons reach puberty, such fathers might encourage
them to treat girls with little or no consideration or responsibility. Such sons may
grow up ashamed of any warm and loving parts of their personality, replacing
their need for love with need for power. They may believe that
they are showing love and care to their children through criticism and control.
Later, they may respond to their own sons with demands and
barely controlled emotions. They may advise their sons to be realistic
by preparing for unfulfilling lives, or they may want their sons do something
great that they themselves could not achieve. If they identify with their son's
lives, especially if their own lives are not fulfilled, they may smother
their sons' independence and unique personalities.
Although some chains of entanglement go back into
family history,
we coach people to solve trans-generational entanglements by
telephone or Skype ... even toxic family habits that have been repeated
for many generations.
There are many potential father son issues ... some
extreme issues are
- fathers who seduce their sons
- fathers who are jealous of their sons
- immature fathers who act more like children
- addicted fathers who hook their sons into addiction
- fathers who wanted a daughter and reject the son's
masculinity
If a father sexually bonds to a son, this can be
devastating for the boy. Later, as a man, he may feel unable to bond with a
female partner. As an adult he may fear
being perceived as homosexual; or if homosexual, he may wonder if his
sexual orientation (and much of his life) is built on abuse.
Sons and Rivals
A strong man arguing with his strong female partner is
relatively healthy, if their argument is respectful and responsible.
Unfortunately, some parents draw their children into their conflicts
(see parental alienation). If the
parents are too immature to resolve their own problems, children may
try to protect one parent from the other.
A son may come to believe that his mother is a victim of a
bad father, and sympathize with his mother. If a son agrees with
his mother's criticism of his father, then his father may reject him. Sooner
or later, such a son may ask a dangerous question ...
"Is it possible that my father is OK?" The more a son
perceives his father as OK, the more the son may be criticized by
his mother, "You're just like your father!"
Or the son may identify with his father and, as an
adult, the son may seek a partner who is like his perception of his mother,
and treat her in much the same way as his father treated his mother.
Many people have told me that since early childhood they
heard their parents' complaints and arguments. They often learned that
complaining and criticizing are how normal women communicate;
and that irritation and anger are normal male communications.
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"Who can be happy?"
can be an issue in unhealthy families. An unhappy father may be
jealous of his son's freedom, and an entangled or enmeshed son may
sabotage his
own freedom to avoid being happier than his father. |
Fatherhood
Most mature men enjoy the responsibilities of fatherhood.
Immature men complain about their lost freedom, justify their childish
behavior, and may reject or abandon their children. Some immature men
reject their children, especially their sons, as rivals for their wives'
love.
Many marriages start to fail after a child is born - a mother
might be focused on the new child and feel too exhausted to care for her
husband. Some fathers then experience age regression - feelings of abandonment
and loneliness from their own childhoods ... and react with strong childish
emotions.
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My father cursed my mother and called her horrible names. He
was physically abusive since I can remember. When my older brother threatened to
call the police, we got into a huge family fight ... Dad left and hasn't talked
to any of us for over a year. Chicago, Michigan |
Few men are as motivated or experienced as women on how to
talk about emotions. Instead, men may try to hide their emotions - while
resentment accumulates. Then a man might act out in childish, spiteful and
angry ways, and his female partner might start to treat him as a problematic child ...
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My father had no time for me, but was good to my brother. He
always talked about his perfect son, but he avoided talking about me and my life.
... You helped me get my father out of my mind. Birmingham, England |
A son's transition from boyhood to manhood requires male sharing
and caring. A mature father can support his son's experiences during adolescence,
partnership and parenthood. Few mothers successfully prepare their sons to be
men - the result is too often a Mother's Boy.
Most sons seem to feel independent of their fathers
at around age 28 to 34.
Tips for Parents
If you feel unable to accept some part of your children's
character or their imperfections, it might be a result of emotional
habits from your childhood. Common habits include a need to prove yourself
to or through your children; your children remind you of other people;
or your children remind you of parts of your own self that you dislike.
Some practical tips are:
- Accept your children as unique human beings
- Evaluate your life goals apart from
your children
- Avoid blaming your children for your own problems
- Appreciate your children's initiative and competence
- Do not expect your children to change for your comfort
- Encourage children to make safe decisions and to consider
consequences
Do you want solutions for emotional
or relationship challenges?
Online Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 2009-2012 All rights reserved.
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