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Do you want coaching or training for
emotional and relationship problems? We help people sort out emotions concerning divorces, family secrets and
obsessions. Everybody needs help sometimes.
Solutions for Divorcing Parents
During separation and divorce, you or your partner may ignore
your children, or use them to hurt or manipulate each other
(parental alienation and
child abuse) or you may use your children as
bargaining chips as you divide your assets. If so, you may burden children with
learning disabilities or emotional problems such as
chronic anger
or chronic conflict.
Some couples say that they stay together for
the benefit of the children, which often hides insecurity or financial
concerns. If a couple announce this lie to their family, or if they
convince their children that the children are the cause of their continuing
unhappiness, one or more children may respond with
chronic depression or
psychosomatic symptoms.
Divorce and Your Children
How will divorce affect your children? Your children may feel
abandoned by one parent, show anger to whomever they blame most, feel sadness
for what they have lost or will lose, and feel guilt for having to choose
between parents. Depending on your maturity and how you trained them,
they will express or hide strong emotions about losing their home or family.
Hidden emotions may emerge as strange physical symptoms and they may be
diagnosed with emotional problems or learning disabilities.
Few children want to leave their friends and move to a
different home - but their desires may be ignored. They may feel humiliated,
with lowered self esteem and self worth. They may feel guilt and self hatred if
they feel that they somehow caused your divorce. Much depends on your maturity
as parents and the support from your extended family.
It is tragic when immature parents reject or avoid their
children, whether due to jealousy, disinterest or some other reason. This
sometimes happens during or following divorce, especially if alienated by the
custodial parent. Children of immature parents often seem to repeat their
parents' drama.
Emotional Incest .
Parent Alienation
. Parent
Coaching . Coaching Children
Many parents have favorite or special children.
Often a father favors the youngest daughter
(Daddy's
Princess), while a mother may prefer the eldest son
(Little Prince).
During a marital separation or divorce, the most favored child may react more
than the other children - perhaps believing that he or she
somehow initiated or caused the separation.
Each partner can first clarify their own emotions about
partnership - especially with anger, sadness, fear and guilt. Our coaching
can help each partner do this while mature and resourceful. If they do not,
the children will often take the parent's hidden or repressed emotions upon
themselves.
(If the couple owns a business, employees may be enmeshed
into a conflict of allegiance, and staff may feel and act like confused
children. Our corporate coaching can sort out staff infections.)
We help parents prevent or alleviate many toxic
situations:
- If a parent acts guilty, children may try to
express the parent's guilt
- If a parent acts like a failure, children
may respond with chronic fear
- If a parent acts resourceless, children may try to
grow up too quickly
- If a parent acts like a victim, children may
respond with chronic anger
- If a parent is dead or absent, children
may respond with chronic sadness
- If a parent forces children to take sides,
children may respond with chronic conflict
Help children communicate to both
parents - regardless of circumstances. Otherwise children can develop
emotional scars that they may carry for years. Hurt children will likely fight
against their parents' separation, attempt to sabotage their parents' new
relationships, and strive to leave their parents' homes.
Prevent
Learning Disabilities .
Adjustment Disorders
. Parental Alienation
As you support your children - who
supports you to build new relationships? Can you build relationships
based on strength and courage rather than on weakness and dependence.
Do you want
single parent coaching
or child coaching?
Separation & Divorce Coaching
We usually suggest that both parents have our individual coaching
to resolve individual emotional issues, and then sessions together, to resolve
partnership issues. We will not "take sides" - we coach both partners
understand, appreciate and accept each other's perspectives, motivations and
goals and to make informed decisions. Some guidelines are:
1. Respect the other parent
Following separation, parents may stop acting like partners
and their only mutual project may be to co-parent their
children. Talk to your children about a former partner with
respect - and praise whatever can be praised, even if - or especially
if - the other parent is missing, alcoholic, dead or hates you.
Each child is 50% of their other parent. If you reject your
child's other parent - you reject half of your child!
2. Love your children
Your children may feel unloved and forgotten during
separation and divorce. Express love to them, regardless of whether they are
well behaved, polite, industrious, have tidy bedrooms or eat their broccoli.
(Most children spell LOVE as T-I-M-E)! Ask your children HOW they want to
spend their time and what increases their feelings of wellbeing and happiness.
3. Your children need both of you
Many children of divorce feel forced to take sides
between Mom and Dad. Sometimes one parent may want a child to hate the other
(Parent Alienation
Syndrome or PAS). Instead, repeatedly reassure your children that they do
not have to choose one parent as being in any way better than the other.
4. Do not blame children
Immature parents may blame their children for their
own lack of partnership skills. If your children come to believe that they caused
your marriage to break up, they may feel enormous guilt. They may try to
keep you and your partner together - perhaps by acting-out, learning
disabilities or disease. Explain to your children, repeatedly, in
simple words, that your separation is your decision and not their
fault - and that they cannot bring Mom and Dad back together. See
Adopted Children
5. Fight fair - Fight away from your children
Divorce is an intense time. Avoid fighting anywhere near
your children - or any children. Organize a time and place, away from the children,
that is convenient for both parents to discuss and resolve conflicts. Can you
agree that if a
fight erupts, that you both STOP, TAKE TIME and RESCHEDULE your meeting.
6. Minimize change
Although divorce will create many changes for
your children, continuity is important. Make your children's environment
as familiar as possible, including their favorite things, photographs, toys,
blankets, etc. Create home in each place that your children stay.
7. Encourage meetings
Discuss how your children can have maximum benefit and
happiness when they are with the other parent. Avoid asking children to
deliver messages, spy or obtain information from an ex-partner.
8. Get mature support
Divorce is a difficult time for everybody. Parents
need mature emotional support from family, friends, relationship
coaches, clergy, etc. Avoid asking your children to support or guide
you - or the other parent. Guide and support your children.
9. Talk about feelings
During stressful times your children may change their
behavior. Your children may misbehave, they may act much younger or they may
try to grow up quickly and act overly mature. Ask your children how they feel,
and what they think or imagine is going on. Help your children express THEIR
unpleasant feelings. Please don't complain to them about yours!
10. Remain mature
Avoid asking your children - even teenagers and young adults - for advice
about your partnership, or about financial, custody or legal issues. Reassure
your children that your decisions are for their best interest. Ask older
children for their thoughts and feelings about your decisions - and tell them
that although final decisions will be made by their parents, their opinions
are important.
We coach partners to
improve their relationships or separate peacefully ...
and we help new partners co-parent and merge their
blended families.
Online Coaching &
Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2012
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