Funny True Stories © Martyn Carruthers
My deep thanks to all you people who showed me
the funny side of coaching.
I can repay your kindness by not mentioning your names.
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Those who laugh last
... think slowest!
As simple systems that work tend to
evolve into complex systems that don't work, I like to keep things simple
... and funny. Martyn
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I enriched
this web page with owls and recycled electrons
to help reduce global warming; and I coach people to
develop and improve their humor to increase global warming!
Developing and providing systemic coaching
is rewarding on many levels. As we help people build maturity, good
relationships and success, we often find rich humor. Here are some curious and
funny short stories. I heard many of them while coaching and training in
.
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> You not remember me but I come
your seminar in Warszawa. You were FUNNY
> I laugh so much that I
nearly not see people healing. I didn't was a demonstration,
> but
my friend was, and now not has the bad problem. Do you heal
people by
> making laughs? Warsaw, Poland
When people can laugh at their own
stuff - we're close to solutions ... Martyn |
Some
of you know that a part of this
page is about YOU!
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> i see your nice pictures of sane men and women, good looking no less,
> but i just
am dying to know. are you people aliens? are you the gray
>
aliens
that conspiracy theorists always talk about?
I confess - some days I do feel like an
extra-testicle ... Martyn
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I worked hard and I
denied myself pleasures - and what did it get me?
Hard work and self-denial?
Heard during coaching
What is it about me that attracts idiots?
Of course I'm unique - like everyone else.
I have a big mouth and I'm not afraid to use it.
I do use my imagination - I'm really suspicious.
I don't want to solve my conflict - I want revenge!
I don't know whether to have a baby or to get a dog.
I took an intelligence test and the results were negative.
I may be an egotist but at least I don't talk about other people.
A good solution to my problem would be someone I can blame.
I am willing to make mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
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My son doesn't know that his girlfriend is a bad choice.
She's not like me
at all. |
How do you spell PTSD?
No matter how cynical I get, I can’t keep up.
Why should I suffer in silence when I can complain?
When I want to relax, I think about ways I can get revenge.
I don't care if somebody manipulates me, as long as I enjoy it.
I knew when my husband was lying because his lips were moving.
Who do I blame for my problems? I can always find someone to blame!
I accept my personality problems - without them I would have no personality.
I do take responsibility for my actions ... when they are not someone else's fault.
I do NOT sit in my living room watching television all day. I have a
TV in my bedroom.
Of course lots of people will come to my funeral ... they will want to
make sure I am dead!
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First I say nice things to myself,
then I do nice things for myself,
then I find someone to buy nice
things for me.
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I want to change my future.
Please make it didn't happen!
I don't want to tell so many lies but I do want to keep my job.
My wife helps me appreciate how very wonderful is my girlfriend.
How can I learn from my past when I am worried about my future?
How can I divorce my wife without telling her? She will be very angry.
Of course I find humor in my everyday life
... I look for people I can laugh at.
All I want is a partner who is rich, sexy, educated and who loves me. Especially
rich.
My boyfriend had a heart attack while we made love. I didn't know
that people could die so happy.
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I didn't have any problems until we
came for couple coaching.
Then my partner told me what I have to change ... it's all your fault! |
My husband needs help for emotional insects.
I couldn't make him love me, but I could make him leave.
How many children do I have? Should I include my husband?
How did I find you? God told me to Google emotional maturity!
Only people as intelligent as I am can possibly understand me.
My wife made me come to see you. I want you to prove her wrong!
I know your coaching works in practice - but does it work in theory?
We want a combination of therapy and medication so that we can stay together.
I want to be wealthy and single, but where can I find a rich bachelor who is
dying?
I don't want to change anything - I just wanted to tell someone how bad things are.
Appreciate diversity ... and blend in!
Lies Told by Trainers
I would never date a student
Exams are only diagnostic tools
Call me any time; I'm always available
It doesn't matter what I think; say what you believe
It doesn't bother me if my graduate students earn more than I do
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Lies Told by Students
I will pay you when I can afford it
I will solve that problem tomorrow
You're the best trainer in the world
I will do every part of my homework
I have done every part of my homework
I only want to make other people happy |
Coach Training Exercises
I asked my spirit guides do the exercise for me
We weren't sure what to do so we went for coffee
We didn't actually DO the exercise - but we did DISCUSS it
I didn't like the exercise so I asked my partner to massage me
Your exercise was too difficult so we made up our own exercise
My exercise partner was just like my mother - she didn't like me at all
I told my exercise partner what I intuited about her sex life and now she won't talk to me
I didn't do the exercise because ...
- I'm a philosopher
- We both needed a cigarette
- I only do exercises with my boyfriend
- None of those bastards will talk to me
- I didn't want to learn anything else today
Why Waste Time? My Conversational Shortcuts
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If you ask, "Is it possible that ...?"
- my answer is "Yes"
If you ask, "Is it always true that ...?"
- my answer is "No"
If you ask, "Is it this way or that way?"
- my answer is "Maybe"
If you ask, "Is it true or false that ...?"
- my answer is "Exactly" |
I Missed my Appointment because ...
You didn't empower me enough
I discovered a new fear of success
I'm sorry but I started to feel much better
The date on the calendar was closer than I thought
I didn't want to tell you I wasn't coming in case you felt bad
I don't have to understand you to disagree with you!
Difficult Goals
I want to be a virgin again!
I want everybody to love me.
I want you to stop asking me such hard questions!
I want to feel like I'm five years old for the rest of my life (woman aged 40)
I know that you could solve all my problems in one session - if you really
wanted to! No matter how carefully you choose your words
- someone will twist them! "I'm sorry that
you trusted me" ... Difficult Organizers
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Every sentence tells a story ... these stories
are from my first attempts as a trainer, when I was more naive, less
prepared and worked with many amateurs. Sadly, I heard some of these comments more
than once. Remembering them can still make me groan! Martyn
Take this organizer for example ... please!
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If it is meant to be - it will happen.
I have few friends and little credibility.
How could I predict that that would happen?
Two of the students are diagnosed as psychotic
Relax ... they're both on medication ... I hope ...
You must heal me before I can promote your training!
I don't need to promote you - I know all my friends will come.
I'm sure I can put an advertisement in the library and find 30 students.
My expenses should be your risk.
Your expenses are your own problem.
I'm sorry that the training room is close to a ...
I told them that you can channel alien life forms.
Your translator is 14 years old (Czech Republic)
I will promote you how I think you should be promoted.
I told them that you can solve all their problems in one weekend.
The audience will be a mixture of
business consultants and intuitive healers.
It's your fault for thinking bad thoughts.
You can solve my problems in the evenings.
All my friends told me that they would come.
At the last moment I decided I wasn't ready.
You can stay with me (in my tiny apartment)
I know we agreed to settle finances today, but ...
I decided that I need your money more than you do.
You can heal my schizophrenic brother on your day off.
The ONLY thing I forgot to tell them was the date!
I know I booked the wrong flight - but you should pay for it.
You shouldn't have given me power of attorney on your bank account!
You can sleep in our son's bed - he's in hospital with an infectious
disease.
I'm sorry that you trusted me!
Some days we really need friends!
Lost Integrity
(Comments from students)
I protect my clients from reality
Please don't confuse me with facts
I can't teach if there are skeptics in the room
I will accept ANYBODY as a client - who can pay
I don't need to give you credit when I teach your work
Copyright and intellectual property are obsolete concepts!
If I don't know it - it's not worth knowing
If you don't trust me, you are a bad person
If I read an article about something - I can teach it
Why should I demonstrate - it would only confuse them
Of course I'm right - I've been doing it that way for years
I don't demonstrate ... I explain why people must change
My spirit guides will reveal the details to me when I am ready!
I can only coach people who are like me
Don't worry - their unconscious minds will get it
I will give myself an Elite Grand Master certificate
Privacy and confidentiality are not required in coaching
Clients don't need exercises or homework - they need theory
I am very flexible - people can agree with me any way that they want!
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Some of these comments still cause me to laugh out loud
... and some remind me of difficult conversations with interesting
people. And maybe you were there. Martyn
"Don't I know you ... didn't we meet in
?" |
Funny Emails
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Would you have half an hour sometime to
do a session on
how I can be in the heart of Buddha (state)?
This might be the best compliment I've had lately ... Martyn |
Many people email me asking for help, and the questions can be quite
revealing:
- How can I coach my mother?
- What is the best relationship technique?
- What do I really need to know about coaching?
- When is the right time to improve a relationship?
- How can I show people that I am emotionally mature?
- How can I measure my return on investment in my marriage?
Bonus: Secrets of Practical Coaching
You will never understand your own issues as
well as you understand other people's issues.
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> After my last session, existence sent me the material
to practice
> what I worked with you! Next I desire a session to negotiate with
> the universe its policies and with
myself my self-honesty.
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- Nobody asks for only one favor
- A rich client's jokes are always funny
- There's no such thing as a family secret!
- Many personal problems begin with positive thinking!
- Whatever happens, act as though you are pleased it happened!
- To err is human ... to blame your client for your errors is also human
- A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it’s better than no
knowledge at all
- Take care when provoking people - you may forget who you are, but
they won't!
- When you fully understand a client, your coaching is probably finished!
- The essential resources are where you'd least expect to find them!
- For every suggestion, there is an equal and opposite objection!
- The solution is always the last thing you try!
- They who laugh last just got paid!
Nurture Your Inner Comic
Online Humor Coaching with
Martyn
No owls were harmed during the making
of this web page.
These owl images are not original, and can be seen in many
places on the internet without copyright information. |
