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It's a sad fact that many adults
suffer from childhood trauma.
Do you suffer from your parents' drama?
Do you want to untangle yourself from family
attachments?
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I developed systemic solutions to help people define
and achieve their goals. Relationship goals can be a desire
for friendship, partnership or parenthood, etc, or can be the shared
goals of partners, families and teams. As relationships can be strongly
influenced by other people ... I often refer to those influences as
entanglements, post-hypnotic suggestions,
fixations
and relationship bonds. |
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Relationship bonds (relational bonds, fixations, emotional
bonds, fixed ideas and psychological bonds) refer to obsessions and
compulsions motivated by relationship events. Bonded behavior can be on a
spectrum from ambivalent commitment to total obedience. Toxic relationship
bonds can motivate compliance,
addictions, compulsive behaviors and limiting beliefs.
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Even after I had left home for eight years,
I wasn't living my own life. It was like I was living my older brother's goals.
For example, I tried to copy his career and I was only attracted to women who
looked like his wife. You helped me clean up this mess. I stopped being a
cheap copy. Now I live my own life. Toronto, Canada |
As relationship bonds are not limited to people, I formulated a
hierarchy of bond types:
- Bonds to possessions, things, places, buildings,
parts of town
- Bonds to activities, games, ritual movements,
cultural activities
- Bonds to to schools, colleges and
professional organizations
- Bonds to beliefs - fixed ideas about people or
things - "All men are xxx"
- Bonds to values - fixations - "my
values are better than your values"
- Bonds to identity - fixed ideas about the
nature of self - "I am X"
- Bonds to the world/universe/cosmos -
"The world is Y"
We coach people to evaluate and change bonded
beliefs and behaviors. We coach people to explore what prevents or support
success, and to change unwanted influences on their thoughts, emotions and
behavior. These influences often show up as fixations, obsessions and compulsions.
Who is Conscious of Relationship Bonds?
Few people seem to be aware of who really influences
their behavior, although some people recognize the influence of authorities such
as parents, bosses, presidents or religious leaders. I
designate bonds as conscious, knowable and taboo. I
coach people to evaluate and change unwanted bonds to people in families,
schools and religions, etc, and to reject unwanted marketing and other
manipulative influences.
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Children bond to people who meet their needs.
Bonding is likely by six months; and almost certain by one year, unless the
family is severely disturbed. Trauma or attachment disorders may result if bonded
relationships are threatened or severed.
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As family members seem to be the most influential people in
our early lives, I coach people to discover if they have accepted limiting beliefs as
rigid truths. I also coach people to discover if they have accepted substitutes for
parents, siblings,
partners and children etc.
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Assess Relationship Bonds
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- Evaluate body sensations
- Observe nonverbal signals
- Evaluate emotional reality
- Evaluate metaphoric reality
- Observe relationship behavior
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- Explore relationship history
- Explore blocks to goals and plans
- Explore the origin of limiting beliefs
- Explore psychosomatic symptoms
- Explore obsessions or compulsions
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This information can be correlated and integrated
to explore the cause and evaluate the consequences of fixations, bonds,
transferences, entanglements and attachments.
In practice, I focus on relationships that the client
wants to improve or end, and on relationships that somehow prevent or delay
people achieving their chosen goals. (Bonded relationships need not be current, nor
with living people - often, people want and need to clarify relationships with past
partners and/or relationships with people who have died.)
1. Observe external behavior:
People who are pleasantly bonded to other people usually
appear relaxed, happy, and enthusiastic while with those people. People who are
unpleasantly bonded may express verbal and nonverbal tension and
depression when together. It's not difficult to observe human bonding behavior:
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Observe Bonded Behavior |
- Behavior when together
- Time and place together
- Reciprocal attachments
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- Nonverbal signals
- Inclusion in relationships
- Excuses, blame, complaints
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By nonverbal signals I refer to unconscious body
movements and vocal changes. Common nonverbal indicators are that the voice
becomes quieter and the tonality becomes childish. I note a person's gestures
when talking about a relationship - gestures often indicate body locations
affected by bonds. (This gave rise to a study of those parts of the body called
chakras that are often touched unconsciously when discussing
relationships - see Relationship Yoga).
Behavior such as
forced laughing and limited responses are more likely in conflicted
relationships. You can observe people's ability to recognize and respond
to each others' non-verbal cues (e.g., eye contact, smiling, touching,
voice tonality etc.).
- How and how often do the people touch?
- Do they make eye contact and smile at
each other?
- Do they seek comfort and guidance from each
other?
- How do they respond to each other's signs of
hunger, thirst or fatigue?
You can assess how a relationship is perceived by human communities (school, work, friends, neighbors or extended
family). This can include:
- Does a person identify self as a member of the system?
- Do other system members consider a person to be a member?
- Does a person rely upon and trust the system
while in their care?
- Is a person accepted as a system member by the
larger community?
2. Explore Relationship History
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Relationship history provides important information when assessing bonds.
As I explore people's relationship
history, I make a timeline of pregnancies, births,
parental conflicts, partnerships, parenthood and deaths, etc.
3. Evaluate Descriptions of Subjective Experience
The closest relationships in a person's life are likely with
the parents, siblings, intimate partners and children, and with people who are
perceived as substitutes for these important people. Our systemic diagnosis
helps us assess the closeness and type of relationships.
Bonding can be conceptualized as reciprocal attachment,
which people want and expect to continue, and which, if interrupted or terminated,
may affect the behavior of both people.
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A NLP
trainer suggested that we cut bonds with every person every day. I
started doing this and it felt good at first ... I have since divorced
and find I am not motivated to visit my family or my children ... and
that trainer had an ugly divorce after sexual affairs with his
students. Honolulu, Hawaii |
Known bonds (e.g. I feel connected to my
ex-partner) are often described as colored, dark or gray
connections to another person. Some New Age 'therapists' recommend cutting
these connections - and I absolutely don't. At risk is your ability to bond
to people at all.
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We
joined Amway and tried to recruit our family and friends.
After a year we had no friends, only business associates, and our family were
cautious about us. I can't blame them; we had become evangelical.
After we quit, it took us about two years to create a new circle of friends,
who we now treasure. That 'business opportunity' now feels like a ton
of black weight on our shoulders! Phoenix, Arizona |
Taboo bonds are usually perceived as dark or
grey shapes, inside or close to the body. They are sometimes described as
esoteric entities, as they may be spontaneously visualized as geometric shapes,
clouds, weapons, instruments of torture or (often unpleasant) living things.
Some may be called evidence of black magic or even demons.
Incompetent therapists who try to make bonds
go away, may succeed in dissociating or fragmenting the bonds. A common
consequence is that the associated emotions and beliefs become diffuse - and
more difficult to identify and resolve. We often help people recover from
ineffective techniques and other forms
mentor damage.
Continued in Assess
Relationship Bonds Part 2
Summary
Loyalty and commitment to products, people
or political agendas; and to obsessions, compulsions and limiting beliefs, are
examples of relationship bonds that can be changed. We help people
understand and change unwanted motivations or obsessions.
Online Coaching &
Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 2005-2012 All rights reserved.
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