|
Your relationship with your mother may be the most influential
relationship of your life.
It will impact most of your other relationships ... especially
with your father and with your partner.
|
If you would like to translate any of my
articles into another language,
we will be pleased to post them and to honor you as translator. |
We work with motivated people who want to
improve their relationships.
We help them end the stress and struggle, and implement better relationships.
Throughout history, women seem to have been primarily perceived by men as
lovers, child-bearers and housekeepers. And like men, mothers often measured a
daughter's worth by her
ability to create and raise healthy children, and keep a home clean. And the world is changing.
Often my mother is the last
person I want to see.
But she’s the first person I call when I need help.
Family traditions are changing rapidly, due in part to television, movies and the internet.
Mothers who appreciate that their children will have different values and priorities have a
much better chance of
enjoying quality relationships with their children.
As Girls Become Women
Relationships between mothers and young
daughters change as those daughters grow up. As girls mature into
adolescents, teenagers, young adults and independent women, there can be
powerful arguments and disagreements between mothers and daughters.
Mother-daughter relationships may be
more complex than mother-son and father-daughter.
Many daughters idolize their mothers when young, but pull away during
adolescence.
Later, a mother may not accept her daughter as a mature adult.
Some women say that they prefer their
daughters to their sons, perhaps because they want to share feminine
thoughts and ideas. Others say that they prefer their sons, perhaps
because they want male support or perhaps because of some cultural bias.
The greatest gifts that mothers can
give to their children are probably
to offer experience, to listen carefully and to respond
kindly - yet honestly.
Another blessing is that the mother and
father be happy.
When a mother says that she wants a child to listen ...
that often means that she wants that child's compliance and obedience.
Many women tell us that they were criticized by their mothers for their choice
of education, career, boyfriends and partners. These same daughters may also blame
and criticize their
mothers for everything that happens with their education, career, boyfriends and
partners. See Troubled Teenage Girls
Are you more interested in blaming,
criticizing or punishing than in sharing?
Although times are changing, some mothers advise
daughters to be realistic and prepare for boring lives - and
the same mothers may advise their sons to be idealistic and
to prepare for success. Such bipolar advice may reflect
family histories of limiting beliefs and toxic relationship habits.
|
My Mom blames her mother for her own problems
- but Grandma was a good woman, wise and kind, although she did like my uncles
more than Mom. Grandma used to say that her mother also favored her
brothers ... daughters were expected to marry and disappear. |
Most people repeat what they were taught. Many women recognize
their own mothers' conflicts and unfairness, yet burden their own daughters with
similar demands.
Occasionally, a mother bonds to a daughter sexually. Later,
as a woman, such a daughter may feel unable to bond with a male partner. As
an adult, she may fear being perceived as lesbian; and if lesbian, she may
wonder how much her sexual orientation reflects her mother's abuse.
Changing Worlds
Most people seem to believe that their own childhood was
normal, and often try to impose their childhood norms onto their own
children. But as the world changes, so does the sense of what is normal.
This can lead to arguments, threats and fighting between parents and children.
|
Parent’s Normality
- Early marriage was normal
- Basic education was normal
- Nuclear families were normal
- Computers were at universities
- Repressive conservatism was normal
|
Children's Normality
- Delayed marriage is normal
- Higher education is normal
- Broken families are normal
- Computers are in bedrooms
- Distrust of politicians is normal
|
Daughters and Rivals
Most partners will disagree with each other sometimes.
Healthy parents keep their arguments away from their children, while
immature parents may draw their children into their conflicts (see
parental alienation). If the
parents do not resolve their conflicts, their children may try to defend one
parent (seen as a victim) from the other (perceived as a victimizer).
Children who defend one parent from the other may suffer a number of unpleasant
consequences - perhaps identification with a victim.
|
My mother was always critical of my father. She was
better educated and from a better family and she always talked about
divorcing him ... just as Grandma did ... and now I'm doing it.
I carry Mom and Grandma on my back. I hope that my daughters
do not have to carry me. |
A daughter may come to believe that her mother is a
victim of her bad father, and sympathize with her mother. If a daughter
supports her mother's criticism of her father, they may feel more closely bonded.
But if the daughter says ... "No, my father is a good man!" the
daughter may be punished by
her mother for taking her father's side. If she supports her father - her
mother may reject her.
|
When my parents separated after my mother's
love affair, I was loyal to my father.
My mother resented my loyalty and she resented me ... she has never got over it.
|
Many women have told us that, in their families, complaining
and criticizing were normal female communications. Children who often
witness their fathers' frustrated and angry reactions to their mother's
complaints and criticisms may consider irritation and anger
to be normal male behavior.
|
"Who can be happy?"
can be a political issue in a family. Some depressed mothers
may may appear to sabotage their daughter's happiness; while entangled or
enmeshed daughters may sabotage their own happiness - to avoid being happier
than their own mothers. |
Daughters who identify with critical mothers may
unconsciously seek men who are similar to their fathers, and later abuse
those men in similar ways as their mothers abused their fathers.
They may seek sympathy as victims as they criticize, attack and
punish their male partners. After a series of relationship disappointments,
such women may follow their mothers into a lonely depression.
|
My wife calls me bad names because
I drink ... but for me it is drink or divorce.
I'm not alcoholic ... I just can't tolerate her endless criticism. |
If immature parents involve their children in their
arguments and fights ... a lonely wife may fixate on a son, while a
husband may neglect his wife and focus on a daughter. These cycles of
fixations and obsessions often continue across many generations. Such
covert emotional incest seems commonplace ...
a major social challenge that is hidden in plain sight.
Motherhood during Adolescence
While mature mothers can enjoy the responsibilities of
motherhood, immature mothers often complain about their loss of freedom.
Adolescent and teenage daughters who fixate on their immature or dominant
mothers may have difficulty learning how to cooperate in teams or
partnership.
Some mothers try to relive their youth through their
daughters. They may try to immerse themselves into their daughter's
lives or try to be their daughters' best friends. They may try to make
their daughters fulfill their own unaccomplished, idealistic goals.
|
I have three daughters ... they all became
stupid teenagers.
I tried to help them
but they left ... they hardly ever visit me now. |
Daughters who reject their mother's demands may be called
unloving or uncaring by their mothers - who may become depressed
when the daughters leave, marry or fulfill their own life goals.
Disappointed mothers who do not fulfill their own hopes and dreams may
blame their daughters for their own emotions. Daughters may feel rejected for
who they are - and only acceptable if they repeat their mother's scripts ... even if
those scripts include abusing partners and rejecting their own children.
Daughters may fight to establish their own boundaries and to protect
their own identities - or the daughters may forget or hide
their own identities, identify with their mothers
or try to mother their mothers. We help women sort out these complex
relationship issues.
|
My arguments with my mother leave
me exhausted ... I want her to listen to me - not just give me
the same old advice that I heard from my grandmother. When I
feel judged or not good enough - I avoid my mother - often for many months.
Georgia, USA
|
Most daughters will appreciate their mothers' care (but not
their criticism)
especially when they are gaining experience in partnership and parenthood.
Most daughters will welcome their mother's support (but not their control)
especially when they
are pregnant or in an emotional crisis.
|
Do you cause friends and family to suffer
because you have emotional problems and you won't get help? |
- Define your life goals apart from
your parents and children
- Perceive your parents and children as unique human beings
- Avoid blaming your parents or children for your own problems
Sharing the joys and burdens and blessings of
womanhood can help bring
mothers and daughters closer, and deepen their love and respect for each other.
Online
Coaching for Mothers & Daughters
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2012
All rights reserved
|
