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Do you want coaching or training on systemic solutions,
resolving relationship chaos or emotional maturity, etc?
Structure of Complex Conflict
Martyn Carruthers
presented a seminar in Warsaw, Poland that
included a demonstration of resolving identity loss.
In the
demonstration, Martyn helped a person with complex (chronic) conflict
find his life goals.
A structure of conflicts arose which Martyn had predicted.
- This page records a talk that was part of a seminar on
Resolving Complex Conflict.
- The audience is mostly therapists, systemic coach students and
some practitioners.
- This transcript is part of an overall strategy and is not a complete resolution for chronic conflict.
- Here,
Martyn explores
and exposes a common structure of a complex conflict.
- During a demonstration, Martyn coached a man to explore
the dynamics of his conflict about smoking cigarettes ... they find this (apparently predictable) structure of deeper conflicts.
Question from class: How do you think that this complex
conflict structure emerges so predictably?
Martyn: Imagine you are a child between two parents who
are in conflict with each other. Imagine you are under the age of seven,
and maybe under the age of three. You are about this big [points to knee
level] between two giants. Imagine that right now you have godlike giants on each
side of you, and you depend on them for your life. How does that feel?
Student: Vulnerable. Dependent.
Martyn: If your parents are fighting with each other, and
using you as a part of their fight ... imagine that they both
want your allegiance, and that they criticize each other in front of
you. Imagine that they each want your loyalty ... perhaps to irritate or score
points with each other. How might that feel?
Student: Scared ... no I would be terrified. I feel sick and disoriented
when I think about it, and I suddenly remember times when my parents would fight
over stupid things, like which programs I should watch on TV ... which
were best for me. They could get really upset about what I watched.
Martyn: And if this fight over TV programs continued into other
parts of your family life ... how might that have been for you?
Student: I would have nowhere to run. I would feel disoriented ... I
feel sure that I would get sick. But they both wanted me to be happy ...
no, they both wanted me to be grateful for their making me happy. But they
wanted me to show my gratitude in different ways ... my mother wanted hugs
and my father wanted me to be stronger. That meant to not show emotions.
I'm sure that I felt sick when they did this.
Martyn: Thanks. [To class] Any child in such situations may feel ill.
It's common. And such children often create two masks: one for each
parent. Imagine you are a young child and, if you can make and change
your mother mask and your father mask quickly, it is like magic, the
giants relax and may even stop fighting. And you now have two extra
personalities
for times of need ... or for survival.
Now you can live, now you can be healthy, partly because of your excellence
in mask-making. You have created an effective strategy for growing up with
immature or conflicted parents. If, as a child, you don't create those masks, you
might be in deep trouble. Creating and using those masks helps you cope with
being a young child of parents who don't solve their own conflicts - although
at the high price of carrying the parents' conflicts into your adult life.
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The leader of our meditation group
encouraged us to develop the "opposite sex" sides of ourselves ... and I did
this. Now I have a well-developed feminine side, but now I have less less need
or desire to be with my wife. How can I unwind this? Sydney, Australia |
But who are you really? A horrible answer may be, "Who cares?"
If you are a child between two giants and you must create two masks or
personalities to stay well or stay sane, perhaps you decided
that there was something wrong with you. Your masks are
accepted and loved - the real you isn't! The next step is often to hide that
real self ... sometimes for years ... sometimes for lifetimes.
For example, a male child may try to be a
Mother's Little Prince with Mother and a
Daddy's Tough Boy with
Father. Then, both parents may relax. But both masks were created by and compensation for
a real child who cannot express himself safely. This
mask-making may bring peace for a few years. Girl children may develop a similar
masks for
Daddy's Princess and Mother's Helper.
By age 6 or 7, one part (or side or mask) may split - to
compensate for (or attempt to supply) missing qualities from the
real self. which is now hidden. A key question for the young child (under age 6) seems
to be "Who am I?", and a key question in the second conflict
(older than age 7) is often "What is important?" This is now a 5-part
conflict. The real self (part 1) is hidden or lost, with two compensation
personalities (parts 2 and 3), and at about age 7 to 10 two more compensation parts
emerge (parts 4 and 5).
During puberty, most healthy people become biologically
available for partnership. Until this age, conflicts about partnership are
latent. During adolescence, one of the compensation parts may split again to
further compensate for the missing "inner core" or "real self"
qualities.
This seems to create parts 6 and 7 - usually a conflict about "How
should I behave?"
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My emotions were like garbage in an endless
dump. I was surrounded by junk and rubbish. You encouraged me to search through
it ... I found an abandoned baby ... it seemed nearly dead ... it was me, of
course, part of me that I lost years ago.
This lost part of me became my business side ... it had qualities that I never knew I
had. Des Moines, Indiana |
The primary conflict is about "Who am I?",
the second conflict is usually about "What is important?"
and the third is usually about "How to behave?"
Jan's conflict
manifests as boom-bust cycles in his businesses and as a conflict about
smoking. More severe cases can include people diagnosed with cyclothemia
or bipolar disorder, who manage their
conflicts and emotional swings with medication.
So, a Behavioral Conflict may be based on a Values
Conflict which may be based on an Identity Conflict. And under
it all is a Lost Identity - a hidden or forgotten expert-mask-maker - a true
self or real child.
We often coach people to find and recover their basic identity or
true self.
Note that the diagnostic features of identity conflict
differ from identification with a victim in
that the behavior, values and personality swing back and forth between two
poles - rather than chronic expressions of simmering anger and suspicion. In
passive aggression, for example, the two
poles are generally childish anger and childish fear. In bipolar disorder the
two poles may be hyperactivity and depression.
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When I told you of my conflict, you said that you hope I
don't abandon my dreams. Then it hit me. I don't want to
abandon my dreams - I want to make them more realistic. New York |
For example a person may sometimes be super-responsible, and
at other times very irresponsible - we often find that this appears to mirror the
parents' behavior from when the person was a young child.
Common consequences include feeling forced to make a decision
but feeling irrationally afraid to make that decision. I see many such conflicts
as bonds and allegiance to both parents or caretakers.
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Since I can remember, part of me wanted to
live in town and hated the country ... and part of me wanted to live in a
village and hated towns. You asked me about my parents desires
when I was young. Yes - my father always wanted to be in the country and my
mother always wanted to be in a city. I had taken their conflict into my life!
Munich, Germany |
Identity conflict differs from
ADD or ADHD, although some children show signs
of ADD after losing access to (or hiding) their core identity. People with
symptoms of ADD and ADHD may be easily distracted, yet continue to express the
same emotions and personality while distracted. This may continue into adult
life ... we often coach people who have adult attention deficit.
Complex Conflict - Transcript .
Resource Recovery - Transcript We help
people resolve self-criticism and other chronic conflicts.
Online Coaching for Complex or Chronic Conflict
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1997-2012 All rights
reserved. Transcribed by Dr Ana Pejcinova
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