|
Online Coaching
& Mentorship
This transcript was recorded during a
seminar in Poland by Martyn Carruthers
about coaching people who show signs
of identity loss. A portion of this transcript
about How children create
complex conflict is posted at
chronic conflict.
People suffering compulsions and addictions
often describe a predictable structure
of underlying conflict ... a sense of cognitive dissonance and unaligned
emotions.
Here is an example of coaching a person to explore the source of such a
conflict.
Transcript of Conflict Resolution
- This transcript is only a part of one of Martyn's systemic coaching
strategies. Here Martyn coaches a man to explore the structure of a
complex conflict and ways to resolve it.
- The demo subject, let's call him Jan, is one of Martyn's
students. He trusts Martyn and is
familiar with Martyn's models of consciousness
- he does not need to fight or resist them.
- The audience consisted of therapists and students
of Martyn's systemic coaching.
- Martyn often pauses demonstrations to give people time
to ponder what they discover
and to offer a class insights into his strategies
and the client's non-verbal cues.
- If you try to apply the coaching steps with your own
conflicts, be careful and gentle.
Give yourself time to ponder and
integrate what you find. Make haste slowly!
- If you follow Martyn's strategy with your own conflict and
you experience strong or
overwhelming emotions, please find professional
help. We can coach people through
complex conflict, identity loss, recovery
and integration online.
- If you follow this strategy with your own conflict; note that Martyn
pays huge attention to
non-verbal communication (unconscious body
language). Also, please avoid making important
life decisions unless
you feel sure that your emotions are stable and your decisions are mature.
- Complete, long-term solutions of complex conflict using
our coaching usually require 6-20
hours (including assimilating the
trauma in which the identity conflict was created
and replacing identity beliefs).
This depends on a person's age, health, motivation
and maturity.
Jan is a businessman about 45 years old. He and
Martyn briefly discuss his major conflict (boom-bust cycles of success
and failure in his many businesses) and decide it would not be appropriate
for a demonstration. They agree to explore a lesser conflict about Jan's
dislike of his own smoking habit.
Conflict Resolution Transcript
Martyn: [To class] I ask that you all remain silent. I will ask
Jan some goal questions and we will explore what he hopes to achieve. Jan and I
briefly discussed his general situation, and I suspect a complex conflict.
Normally I would start by saying something like; [To Jan] Hello Jan, it is an
interesting day today, the weather is changing, and maybe you can change
too. Thank you for volunteering. What would be wonderful for you to achieve
or to change in this demonstration? What do you want in this context?
Jan: I have an issue with smoking: [leans forward, uses his right
hand to point right and then left in front of him] one part of me wants to
smoke, and another does not want to, absolutely not [coughs].
Martyn: [To class] This is normal - Jan did not state a goal.
Few people with deep conflict can congruently say what they want. What did
you notice about Jan's movements? Jan says that part of him wants to smoke,
and part of him wants to quit smoking. Addictions
typically involve identity loss.
Notice Jan's physiology when he considers what he wants.
Martyn:
[To Jan] Tell us again, Jan! Which is which?
Jan: [unconsciously repeats body movements]: Smoking [points
to right front]. Not smoking [points to left front].
Martyn: [To class] Imagine that you can hallucinate the space around Jan,
imagine that you can almost see his two motivations, one on each side in
front of him. Let's explore this.
Martyn:
[To Jan] By the way Jan, where would your father appear, when you want to
smoke? [This refers to an earlier training topic, systemic diagnosis
in relationship systems; Jan understands that the question asks for
contextual subjective experience. Jan gazes right and then points
to his right side]
Martyn: And mother?
[Jan gazes left and then points to his left side]
Martyn: [To class] This indicates that Jan's conflict about
smoking might be parent related. Do you remember the family matrix positions?
Jan gestures to the left about "Stop smoking" and to his
right about "Smoking". So perhaps it's a parental conflict
that Jan has carried into his own life. That's just a guess and as this is
not Soul-guesswork ... let's find out more.
Martyn:
[To Jan] Did your parents smoke?
Jan: Mother never smoked.
Martyn: And father?
Jan: [looks surprised] All his life!
Martyn: Thanks Jan. [To class] Do you see how inner conflict can overlap
with a family matrix? Jan may have a deeper conflict, something like:
"Do I follow my father and annoy my mother, or do I follow my mother
and irritate my father?" Can you perceive a systemic aspect of his conflict?
Martyn:
[To Jan] Do you really want to quit smoking?
Jan: [opens his eyes wide, looks around, at the floor, to the
left, to the right, lifts his left hand slightly and opens his mouth but
says nothing and looks at Martyn. Laughter in class]
Martyn: [To class] Remember that moment - that is what conflict
physiology looks like!
Jan: As I said, one part of me wants to,
another part of me doesn't.
I want to.
Martyn: To stop, or to smoke?
Jan: [louder voice] To stop!
Martyn: Can you imagine a future Jan in a smoke-free zone?
Jan: [voice becomes high-pitched - like choking] I can.
Martyn: Really? Where?
Jan: He's in a fog.
Martyn: How far away is future Jan's fog?
Jan: Not far! Two steps.
Martyn: What would be on your first step, do you think?
Jan: [Gazes about one meter in front of him] Making the decision ...
Martyn: And the first step is here? [Points one meter in front of
Jan]
Jan: Yes.
Martyn: And the second step?
Jan: There [points about two 2 meters in front]
Martyn: Excellent. What might be on the second step?
Jan: Freedom.
Martyn: Great. And if the first step is here [points one meter in
front of Jan], maybe that's where you make a decision. That seems like
quite a big elephant, so let's check. [Martyn often refers to an
elephant metaphor, "How do you swallow an elephant?"] Can
you make this decision easily, or ... ?"
Jan: Not so easy.
Martyn: Maybe there are little steps before you make a decision? What
do you think would be the first step toward making a decision?
Jan: On the first step [left foot jerks] I need more motivation
[gestures with right hand].
Martyn: Thanks Jan [To class] Did you notice Jan's body when he talked about
finding more motivation? First he moved his left foot - that's the side that
doesn't want to smoke. And then he moves his right hand and says "I need
more motivation" and that's the side that wants to smoke ...
I'm saying what I see Jan do, for you people who are too busy writing
notes to ... watch this carefully ...
Martyn:
[To Jan] Where could you find more motivation? Do you need to see
somebody die of lung cancer? Maybe something else?
Jan: [sighs, lowers voice tone] Exercises.
Martyn: What exercises would you like to do instead of smoking?
Jan: [left foot jerks as right side relaxes, then overall posture drops] Tai Chi.
Martyn: Thanks [To class] Look at Jan's physiology! Do his left side and the
right side give the same message? The right side seems to show "Let's stay
on this stool," while the left side may show "Come on, let's
go!" When does Jan's motivation drop?
Martyn:
[To Jan] How do you feel when you smoke, Jan?
Jan: Physically not very well, and mentally not good too, if I'm
with someone who doesn't smoke.
Martyn: So when you smoke you do feel not good. How do you feel
when you don't smoke?
Jan: When I smoke, I start to control myself, that for other people
it may not be alright, they give me negative feedback, so I control myself
[Nonsense bipolar sentences are common in conversations with people who
suffer complex conflict.]
Martyn: Of course ... what happens when you stop smoking?
Jan: I'm more relaxed.
Explore One Side of Conflict: Part 1
Martyn: What motivates you to smoke?
Jan: It is like the deepest need of my organism.
Martyn: Where would you feel this deepest need of your organism?
Jan: It is on my right side.
Martyn: Good, Jan, imagine you can see on your right side
this deepest need of your organism for smoking. What would it look like?
Jan: Like a clown.
Martyn: A big clown? A little clown?
Jan: A big one.
Martyn: And what would the big clown say to you?
Jan: He says, "Let's have fun!"
Martyn: Great, perhaps the big clown motivates you to enjoy life?
Jan: [nods his head with a smile]
Explore Other Side of Conflict: Part 2
Martyn: Now you see what motivates you to smoke.
And, on the other side, what is your motivation to not smoke? What
would it look like?
Jan: Like a very beautiful, white birch tree.
Martyn: And is that birch tree big or little?
Jan: Quite big.
Martyn: How do you feel when you look towards this big white birch tree?
Jan: Super!
Explore Integration of Parts 1 and 2
Martyn: Take a moment to look at them both together: the clown on
your right, and the white birch on your left: two different ways to enjoy
life. Too bad that they cannot work together. Imagine you can have all of
the fun of the clown, and the peaceful beauty of the white birch tree.
[Pause] What would your life be like, if these two sides of you could
find a way to work together - to be together?
Jan: I would feel totally resourceful, open and joyful.
Martyn: How would your life change if you live like that?
Jan: I think ... ummm ... [Jan's muscles relax and he gazes into space]
Martyn: Thank you, Jan. I'll talk to the
class for a minute.
Theory of Identity Conflict
Martyn:
[to class] Coaching conflict can be complex, so I'll break it
into steps. On one side Jan [points to Jan's
right] finds motivation to smoke, and on the other side of him [points to
Jan's left] is motivation to not smoke, and Jan lives with this double
motivation. He can feel good when he smokes, and he can feel good when he
doesn't smoke. But he experiences conflict when he chooses a motivation.
You could call the clown a "personality side" of Jan, or
you can call it a "part" or "ego state" or even a
"complex". Jan describes the qualities of the white birch tree on
the left. As Jan looks at his representation of his future, he sees fog
between him and the future he wants to live.
During conflict coaching, you can probably find two conscious parts quickly,
two motivations towards two conflicting behaviors. Often a person likes
the one side and dislikes the
other: [opens one palm, as if holding a "part" and speaks with an
enthusiastic voice] "This is the side of me that wants me to be healthy,
[opens the other palm and speaks with a disgusted
voice] and this is the bad side of me that makes me eat cake." Many
clients say, "Help me get rid of a horrible side of me!"
Imagine that I am your client and I'm talking to you directly: I say "I
have a bad part of me that makes me do a bad thing, and I want you to help me
kill it and throw it away." What's your next step?
Student: "What are the benefits of the horrible part?"
Martyn: Good! [acts client] Benefits? What do you mean by
benefits? I can't stop X, but - I hate that part of me! There can be no
benefits from doing it, it's killing me, it's antisocial.
Student: Not benefits from doing it, but benefits from killing that part.
Martyn: Good question. [acts as a client] If you cut it away,
I could forget about it entirely... [to student] What would be your next step?
Student: What does this part want to tell you? [Jan's left hand twitches
but he still gazes into space]
Martyn: Good! [acts as a client] Eugh! It wants me to be sick.
I don't like it!
Martyn: Often a client will like only one part [acts client]: "There's a
beautiful part of me that wants me to be happy, and there's a dark side of
me that makes me feel sad." Or "I want to live and I hate the
part of me that has cancer," Or "I want peace but there
is a demon in me that makes me
angry," Or "I dream of harmony but I have an aggressive
side that destroys my relationships."
In my opinion, many people pay you to make friends
with their own parts that they do not like. And then you can
introduce those parts to your client in a friendly way. Sometimes one part of a
person is also identified - a person may jump in and out of
deep sadness or
rage as they change polarity.
We had a client who was diagnosed with schizophrenia. We ... maybe we
don't understand what schizophrenia means to the psychiatrist who
referred her to us. This woman seemed to have a part that is frightened, and
she hated feeling fear. For two hours, all we did was to make friends with her
fearful side. Then she could feel protected by her fear and she could talk
about her goals peacefully.
(2 years later: This woman now appears mentally healthy
and takes no medication - see schizophrenia)
Would you like to benefit from our experience?
|
Jan [sighs and starts looking around]
For example, [To Jan] would you like to continue researching
your conflict?
Jan [smiles and nods]
Jan, on your right side of you there was a motivation to smoke, a clown, and
on the left side there was motivation to be healthy, a beautiful white birch
tree. I wonder what the clown would say about the white birch tree?
Jan: That it is beautiful.
Martyn: If the birch tree could talk; what would the
birch say about the clown?
Jan: That it is so jovial.
Martyn: What does the clown know? What can the birch learn from the
clown about life?
Jan: That it is possible to live life with joy, that life means joy.
Martyn: Can you ask the tree, would it like the clown to teach it
about the joy of life?
Jan: It does, and in the same time it knows that it is important to
find all joy of life.
Martyn: Wise tree! And what does the
clown need to learn from the birch about life?
Jan: It is not necessary to be a clown all the time -
it is enough to be a clown for performances only.
Part 3 becomes Conscious
Martyn: [To class] Note Jan's physiology is now
symmetrical. At this moment I see no sign of conflict. Jan can appreciate
a side of him that likes to have fun, and he can appreciate a
side of him that likes to live peacefully. My next question may be: how can
Jan maintain this state through life challenges? Notice what happens when we
explore integration.
[To Jan] Imagine you can live your life with the beautiful white birch and
the clown together inside you, so that on every step you take, you can
feel the harmony of the birch and the joy of the clown. How would it be
to live your life like that, Jan?
Jan: Super ... it feels ... wonderful [Part 3]
Martyn: Imagine you can take a wonderful step into the future, and live your
life in harmony, peace and fun. Maybe it could be wonderful to live with no
inner objections ... no conflict.
Part 4 becomes Conscious
Jan: [flat voice and tiny movements of hands, shoulders
and head] In such a life there would be no obstacles.
Martyn: [To class] Look at Jan, his body started a series of slight
movements, so it seems that another part might soon be conscious.
Or maybe I'm wrong; maybe there is no objection. [Saying that is provocation
for Jan, whose unconscious twitches become stronger.]
[To Jan] Maybe
this change would be perfect for you without any problems.
Jan: Yes. [with weaker and weaker voice] Let's do it.
Martyn: Super! [To class] I taught you all how to
deal with Yes, but and Yes/No objections ...
[To Jan] Jan, I would be happy to help you make this wonderful step into
your future.
[Jan smiles. To Jan] Is there something that could stop you in
living this peaceful joy? [Jan rests his chin on his right hand and
raises some fingers of his left hand. To class] Notice that Jan
immediately becomes asymmetrical. Perhaps another part is emerging: he's
signaling with his left hand.
Jan: I think I'd get sick.
Martyn: This is important. A part of Jan (part 1)
wants to quit smoking, another part (part 2) wants to smoke. Some sort
of integration of those is possible, two let's call it "peaceful
life" (part 3) for now. As Jan starts to consider "peaceful
life", a fourth part emerges that objects to "peaceful
life" (part 3). Remember - this fourth part was latent, in a fog,
until Jan considered this possibility.
Now Jan is saying: "Wow, this is wonderful! It's what I want in
life." And now another part of Jan objects (part 4), saying
"Hey, wait! Stop!!!"
This fourth part had nothing to say earlier, perhaps because peace and joy were in
conflict, and peaceful joy could not be considered. Now that there is a
possibility of this basic conflict being integrated, and peaceful joy being
realized, part 4 wakes up and maybe communicates, "Stop! Wait! This conflict has an
important purpose!"
[To Jan] Feel this side of you that maybe would get you sick. Where
might this part be?
Jan: In my body.
Martyn: Where in your body?
[Jan shows signs of trance] Take your time ...
[To class] This fourth part may not communicate unless
the surface conflict may be dissolved ... this surface conflict may be
important and should not be lost ...
There is a NLP technique called
Visual Squash: we could have one part fully on this side [holds a
"part" in one hand] and one part fully on this side
[holds a conflicting "part" in the other hand], and
then with hypnotic language, [Martyn emphasizes "NO"
non-verbally], Jan would be instructed to squash these two parts
together. They may use post-hypnotic double-binds to keep those two
parts bonded.
[To Jan] So what would be the result if you squash these two parts together?
Jan: [enthusiastic tonality] Good!
Martyn: And this part here, the fourth part, what would it say if
these two parts are squashed together?
Jan: [pause] I'd feel that I have no power; umm [pause]
I don't want to do that squash.
Martyn: However, if I am convinced that it's good for you, maybe I'll
grab your hands and I'll squash them together physically. If you are partly in
trance, it would take a lot of composure to resist my suggestion. What would
this fourth part say?
Jan: That it should not work this way, that it is not right.
Martyn: What would happen?
Jan: [neck and chest tighten] I'd choke.
Martyn: [To group] Fortunately, most people seem to be healthy enough to
un-squash or dis-integrate hypnotic commands, and within a few days or weeks,
they recreate their conflict. Then their conscious mind says, "Hah -
it didn't work!" Therapists often call these people resistant
clients! But the people who are not healthy enough to untangle the
conflicting parts - obedient clients - may feel weaker or become physically
ill. I was rather well trained in NLP, and I discourage the use of many
NLP techniques. (See NLP Techniques & Personal Ecology).
[To Jan] So, imagine this fourth part of you, Jan, the part
of you that wants you to have harmony and joy apart, in conflict. Imagine
that you can see this fourth part of you. Maybe it is watching carefully
what is happening about this
conflict. Maybe ask this part, "What does it gain by keeping
this conflict?" Something so important that if you lose it,
it may make you sick.
Jan: This part says that I can be friendly to both people who smoke
and to people who don't.
Martyn: Does this part want you to be friendly with people?
Jan: Yes [gestures with right hand to Father position]
Martyn: Whom especially does this part want you to be friendly with?
Jan: With my family [gestures with right hand to Father position]
Martyn: Maybe this part thinks that if you stop smoking and live joyfully
and peacefully, something not good will happen with your family?
[To class] Notice that every time Jan speaks about this fourth part, he uses
his right hand and not his left. Remember who seemed to stand there earlier.
[To Jan] And imagine that you can see this fourth part of you, Jan, what would it
look like?
Jan: Like a Chinese scroll.
Martyn: Maybe you would like to thank this Chinese scroll for its wisdom: it wants
you to have good relationships with your family. Maybe, in the opinion of this
part, if you live joyfully and peacefully, you might lose connection with
your family. What do you think?
Jan: This part says that these things, smoking and contact with
family, do not depend on each other.
Martyn: Good. So focus on this Chinese scroll, and also keep your
attention on the other two parts, the birch and the clown helping each
other. What would the Chinese scroll like to say to the birch and
the clown together?
Jan: That everything possible, everything that they may want to
reach, lies inside a person [points with his right hand to his own chest]
Martyn: Excellent! And what would the tree and the clown say about
this concept that everything that they may want to reach lies inside this
person? [points at Jan]
Jan: They agree. My whole future ... ummm ... [signs of trance]
Martyn: [To class] It seems that the first level of conflict for Jan is
about behavior: "Do I smoke, or do I not smoke?"
And the second conflict is about values - about what is important:
joy and harmony outside in the world (part 3), or inside Jan (part 4)?
This fourth part of Jan seems to communicate to Jan: "If you
only find harmony outside, you will be sick."
Part 5 becomes Conscious
Now we can explore the second level of integration and, who
knows, maybe we will find a fifth part that is not yet conscious. A fifth
part would become conscious by objecting to parts 3 and 4 cooperating.
The first conflict was about smoking versus not smoking, and the second looks
like outer joy versus inner joy. Lets go back to Jan [turns to Jan and
observes him for a second].
[To Jan] Jan, can you imagine again that you can see the white birch and the
clown working together, so that you can have harmony and joy simultaneously
in your life. Of course, there is this side of you that says, "Hey, there
can be harmony and joy inside too, and not only in the world." Imagine
Jan, what would happen if you find harmony and joy inside and outside
simultaneously. Imagine you can live life with internal harmony and joy and
external harmony and joy. What would that be like?
Jan: It looks like my main life goal.
Martyn: [To class] This conflict may lead to "What is the meaning of
my life?" I said earlier that a conscious conflict is rarely
so important: for example "Do I smoke - or do I not smoke?"
is a detail compared to "What is my main life goal?"
[To Jan] What does this side want to tell you about the your main life goal?
Jan: That it is important to live life in balance. Inside and outside
balance [Here is part 5].
Martyn: I wonder what the birch and the clown working together would
say about the part of you that wants inside and outside balance simultaneously?
Jan: The birch says that "There is health inside harmony", and the
clown adds, "And joy!"
Martyn: Imagine you can live your life with harmony and joy
inside, and within harmony and joy in the outside world. Fantastic! Perhaps
you begin to realize what your purpose in life is: to live life,
harmoniously and joyfully inside and outside. Nothing else is so important.
Wonderful - yes?
Part 6 becomes Conscious
[At first, Jan shows signs of exaltation, then surprise, then doubt,
after a few moments his posture drops; and then he shows an expression as
if of a sudden realization.]
Martyn: Bonnng! Looks like part 6 is showing its head! [laughter in
class] Something important may still be missing. What do you think,
Jan? Is something still missing?
[Jan closes his eyes and
his face muscles become flaccid]
Chronic Conflict Explained
[Martyn to class] The relationship dynamics underlying
chronic conflict usually fit into the family matrix that we taught earlier.
When you coach people to resolve the first level of conflict, a client
often says something like, "Everything that I've ever wanted
is possible now!" while signaling "No!" non-verbally.
(You can dissolve this and similar objections using the Yes/No skills
that you learned earlier.)
Jan started with a conscious conflict, then found
layers of unconscious conflict. Often, the conscious parts are
like voices: one may urge, "Smoke! Yes! Smoke!"
and the other, "Don't smoke! No! Don't smoke!" Imagine how it
would be to make decisions from in-between two loud inner voices.
Student: I can think of many people who live their
lives like that.
Martyn: I'd guess between 15% of Europeans and
maybe 20% North Americans, based on my clients, workshops and talks,
although perhaps my work attracts people with complex conflicts.
Martyn
explanation of chronic conflict
[Martyn watches Jan as he talks. After a few minutes, Jan
makes some small movements and opens his eyes; Martyn turns to Jan.]
Martyn: Anyway, that's too much theory; right Jan?
Can we check if any of this makes sense?
[To Jan] Hej Jan, dzien dobry - jak sie masz? [Hi Jan,
good day - how are you?] Remember the clown on your right. The clown (part 1)
said that smoking will give you more fun and joy in life. And on
your left was the beautiful white birch (part 2) which may represent your
peaceful health. And if the clown and the white birch are together in
front of you, you experience cooperation with the outside world (part
3). That looks great: you can express joyous motivation and peaceful beauty
during life. And on your right was a Chinese scroll (part 4) that seemed to say,
"No! It is more important that you experience cooperation inside."
Perhaps you can say "Thank you" to the Chinese scroll. And
feel the conflict between the Chinese scroll and the cooperation between
the clown and the white birch. And imagine, Jan, the possibility to have
cooperation inside and cooperation outside at the same moment. Imagine that you
can live your life with full cooperation inside, and with peace and fun
in the outside world. What would it be like, if you can enjoy both of
those simultaneously?
Jan: I feel a strong inner need to find such life.
Martyn: Imagine that you can see future Jan who can enjoy full internal
peace, while peacefully finding cooperation with the outside world.
What might you call a state when you have full cooperation
inside and full cooperation outside?
Jan: I don't know why, but I see the symbol of a cross in front of me.
Martyn: Great, look at that symbol of the cross in front of you,
perhaps a symbol that might represent Christianity - perhaps a symbol of two parts
working together - perhaps peaceful
fun in life and inner cooperation - perhaps something more spiritual -
perhaps some or all of these. What name would you give to this cross (part 5) that
may somehow represent the integration of the second conflict.
Jan: Harmony!
Martyn: Consider living life with harmony, with full inside
harmony and full outside harmony. Maybe that would be perfect!
Maybe nothing else is wanted or needed. Maybe that would be the
end of the path, there would be nothing else to do.
Jan: [hesitates] I ... need to contact
others as well ... I need to see my harmony in a context.
Martyn: Good. And enjoy feeling your need to contact
others. A part of you wants to live in full harmony, and perhaps another
part of you says, "Something important is still missing!"
What is this part like - that wants you to contact others?
Jan: Like a sunflower. [Part 6]
Martyn: Look at the sunflower that represents contact with
others, and also at the cross, which represents harmony inside and
outside. And when you consider contact with friends, who is the
most important person to be in contact with?
Jan: With my mother.
Martyn: And look at that sunflower with the idea of full contact
with your mother, and with other people. With the cross you may find
harmony, inside and outside. Consider the possibility of living your
life with full harmony inside and outside, and with full contact with
people, especially with your mother. How would it be for you to
experience both of these together in the same moment?
Jan: Great.
Part 7 becomes Conscious
Martyn: Can you imagine stepping into that future, to a place
where the sunflower and the cross become one? Can you imagine stepping into full
connection with friends and mother, and simultaneously full harmony inside and
outside? [Jan nods] What might be a symbol of this integration?
Jan: The sun. [Part 7] Martyn: And if you look into that sun, how old is this part of you
that is like the sun? Jan: Six ... six years old.
Martyn: Imagine you are six years old, shining like the sun.
What would prevent you from shining like the sun? What could
prevent you from having harmony inside and outside, and full connection?
Jan: Father! Martyn: Where is your father at this moment when you are shining like
the sun? Jan: He's about here. [gestures to his right]
Martyn: What would it be like to grow up and become an adult man,
still shining like the sun, with full connection to mother and to father, and
with full harmony, inside and outside? Jan: [deep strong voice] All my life I wanted this.
Martyn: Imagine he is six years old. What was happening between your
parents then? He's a brilliant 6-years old boy, shining like the sun.
What could motivate him to hide his light? Jan: I see my parents fighting.
Martyn: And look at your parents - look at them as if he is still
a 6-year old boy who shines like the sun. How can he love his
fighting parents? Jan: [deeply resourceless in posture and voice] He is ... I am
... lost! Martyn: [To class] That "I am lost" sounds like an
access to an underlying relationship bond
- a limiting identity belief - I used to call them thoughtforms.
You can learn how to help people change relationship bonds in our
Systems 5 training. And, as toxic
relationship bonds seem to be created in relationship disappointments - our
Systems
4 workshop deals with changing the consequences of crisis,
trauma and abuse. Jan: I feel a need to run away from watching my parents fight.
Martyn: He is 6-years old and shining like the sun - where
can he run - where can he hide? Jan: He just wants to be away.
Martyn: He is 6-years old and shining like the sun, how
can he hide from your fighting parents? Jan: Help my mother around the house, be a good worker, help
her clean up? Martyn: What would that mean - to be a good worker?
Jan: Maybe they will love him more and then they will stop fighting.
Martyn: Jan, look at that 6-year old boy shining like the sun. How
can you encourage him? How can you love him? Jan: He needs love.
Martyn: Imagine you can tell that little boy that you love him, that
you accept him fully, that you love how he shines like the sun.
What would he say? Jan: [sigh, warm voice] That he lives inside me.
Martyn: Can you ask him if he wants to stay in the past like
a childhood memory, or if he wants to participate in your human life?
Jan: He doesn't want to be just a memory.
Martyn: Can you ask him to look at your life; imagine you can
show him your successes and your mistakes? Show him your beautiful
home and your businesses, your family and your children. Tell him how
old you are. [Jan's physiology drops] Maybe he is shocked that
you seem so old. Maybe ask him what is missing in your life, something
that he's always had, something he's always wanted to give you. What is
his greatest treasure, at age 6, that he still has and you forgot about?
Jan: [tears] The inner world.Martyn: As you feel tears for the little boy you once were,
maybe you can enjoy that you have found him again. He was very good at
hiding. Many children like playing hide-and-seek. He hid so well that
it took you many years to find him. Congratulate him - and perhaps
ask him, what is the purpose of life?
Jan: [sobbing] To feel; to love.
Martyn: Can you ask him to show you the source of his love?
Can you ask him to take you the next step to that source where
love comes from ... what does he show you?
Jan: He shows me the sun.
Martyn: [To class ] This looks like
integrity
or soul
may
only be a step or two away.
Martyn: [To Jan ] Imagine you can go with him towards the sun
- to where the love comes from. What do you find there?
Jan: Freedom.
Martyn: Do you remember that the second step in your future was
freedom? Imagine that you step into that freedom now. What becomes
possible if you live life with freedom as the source of your love?
Jan: [smiling in tears] Everything.
Martyn: Would it be TOTALLY OK for you to live life with freedom to
love?
Jan: [deep sigh; totally symmetrical body with hands clasped in
his lap] Yes!
Martyn: No ... wait ... there must be something else ...
maybe something is still missing ... another part ... other possibilities
... another objection ... [Martyn is smiling - he is being provocative]
Jan: [head high, hands on knees, breathing deeply
and steadily, smiling peacefully, his voice deep and resonant]
Martyn - if I could only live like this ... it's like all
possibilities are freely available. I feel complete ... balanced ...
connected to life ... there's really no separation ... and all those
possibilities are part of me anyway.
Martyn: Thank you Jan. I ask that you take whatever you want from
this demo. Thank you from all of us, for being willing to explore the
structure of your conflict. We can complete your coaching after this
workshop if you like - and we can sort out your parental bonds. Welcome back ...
and welcome home!
[Martyn asked Jan a few questions to explore some of the
qualities and advantages of integrity as a stable
resource state (which Martyn says is important when helping people
define and fulfill life goals). Then Jan returned to his chair - almost
shining with peaceful congruence.]
Summary of Conflict Resolution
Martyn: [To class] Jan now shows congruence - no
indications of another level of conflict. This looks like a classic
7-part identity conflict with three levels of abstraction. It seems
to be common ... I'd guess that 15-20% of our clients,
students and workshop participants show similar conflicts.
Remember that Jan indicated much of this to us in
the first few minutes. Remember his two steps to freedom?
Now it looks like two conflict integrations to find not only freedom
but also integrity. The next step would change the underlying relationship
bonds, so that Jan can live with integrity instead of falling back into
conflicts. We cover that in the Bondwork part (Systems 5) of our
systemic coach training.
One of the many gifts of Identity Conflict is that the
seventh part is often only a step or two from integrity - from the
Soul of Soulwork. As when resolving
an identification or lost identity, a person can suddenly experience
integrity, a stable resource state or life-compass that we sometimes call Soul!
Recall Jan's initial goalwork. He perceived two
steps to ending his conflict. He described his behavior conflict, and
then (step 1) a value conflict. Jan next talked about his freedom to
love - (step 2) an identity conflict. Now Jan knows
that these two steps can integrate his complex conflict, and he congruently
wants the now-conscious life-goal. (The goals of an age-regressed part or
inner child are often childish at first. We
often help people mature
and integrate childlike parts - and their gifts).
(Note that when a person integrates a complex conflict - that
person may feel exhausted. This is not a consequence of our coaching - rather a
person was already exhausted but did not notice. Following integration
of a complex conflict, many people sleep like rocks for over 12 hours.)
Jan's harvest from this demonstration is not a theory,
rather an experience of integrity from which he can evaluate his life.
The next steps could be 1) stabilize
integrity, 2) find and replace any toxic
identity beliefs (relationship bonds) and 3)
resolve the abuse or trauma in which those bonds
were made. Finally couple coaching (if he is in a
partnership), family coaching or team coaching can stabilize the changes
within a person's key relationships, while allowing significant other people to
explore their life goals.
To readers: thank you for your patience
that you read this far. Your attention is a real compliment.
Maybe email us your experiences.
Online Coaching
Plagiarism is theft © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2012
All rights reserved. Transcribed by Dr Ana Pejcinova |
