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Are you entangled with coaches, advisors or mentors?
Do you suffer from a therapist's interventions or a counselor's techniques?
Have you been DAMAGED by a Therapist, Coach or Mentor?
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CAUTION: As you read
this, you may discover some disturbing facts about yourself and people
you know. You may need to meditate and find mature guidance as to whether
your perceptions are accurate. Please discuss with friends how therapist
damage or spiritual abuse may apply to you ... and to them. Please
avoid hasty conclusions or retribution.
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I help people resolve emotional blocks and relationship problems.
Many people I meet have already tried other
sources of help - and those people taught me some of the
consequences of the use and abuse of the huge variety of psychological and philosophical
theories and New Age psycho-theologies that are available. Their stories and consequences helped me
develop strategies for mentorship with
integrity.
Although most helping professionals and mentors have
good intentions, I hear too many stories of mentor
abuse. I developed some ways to help people quickly resolve
the consequences of "spiritual and therapeutic abuse by
professionals" ...
mentor damage.
Sometimes mentor damage must be dissolved before
the abused people can move on with their lives. (Here are some
comments about therapists / counselors. Some are stranger than fiction.)
Abusers usually claim good intentions. They may say
that they want to help you enjoy perfect health or wonderful
spiritual experiences. They may say that they want to help you
avoid hell or prevent suffering. They may claim a desire
to protect you or to help you by making decisions for you.
Essential mentor qualities appear to include maturity,
emotional stability and competence. Deficiencies in those areas may result
in damaged clients or injured patients. It seems wise to recognize which
mentors and helping professionals seem to avoid healing
their own relationships and emotional baggage. Many troubled people become
helping professionals.
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I have a PhD in psychology ... many
mental health professionals specialize in their own problems and project
their issues onto their clients. Some therapists are notorious for
codependent, dysfunctional behavior ... don't give away your power. California, USA
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Beware of therapists who only offer intellectual insights
or statistical analyses. Beware of mentors who ignore their own problems,
who are depressed, arrogant or who cling to you. Beware of people who are
irresponsible, overly sympathetic or immature
- especially if they want you to be like them!
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I was in therapy for 12 years and
felt much worse coming out of it than I did going in. My obsessive
compulsive disorder remained unchanged, my socially avoidant
behavior was the same, I was still depressed ... I
felt worse because I was angry at therapists.
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Beware of helping professionals who are overly
sympathetic. They may stop being curious, and stop listening to you,
rather only to themselves. They may make intuitions (guesses
voiced as inspired truths) and commence interventions
without checking whether those interventions are appropriate.
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My psychiatrist
conditions his patients with a sort of continuing shock treatment
that
is so obnoxious that we act sane just to escape his therapy. |
For example, a coach, counselor or therapist may intuit that
you must forgive someone who violated your values ... but forced
forgiveness may deny your valid emotions, prevents learning and delays maturity.
I see forced forgiveness as a form of abuse
(the abuser acts like a bullying parent or priest).
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Therapists offer varying suggestions because they have adopted
beliefs from their mentors and colleagues about what makes people get better.
But they usually fail to question these assumptions, regarding them as
self-evident truths and applying them to everyone who walks through the door.
Sometimes they fit, but sometimes—probably between 30 and 50 percent of the time—they
don't. From Am I Crazy or is it My Shrink? |
Lasting happiness seems to require that you make
decisions and take responsibility for your choices, including your choice
of who you trust, even when the consequences are unpleasant. Whether
your actions were through naivety, misinformation or ignorance -
understanding and resolving consequences can help you make better decisions.
How to Assess a Coach, Therapist or Mentor
Although professional associations
will not vouch for the character or emotional stability of their
members, you can seek evidence of competence and emotional
maturity.
Observe, if possible, how helping
professionals mentor other people, and talk to people who were
mentored by them. You can notice if a potential therapist, coach
or counselor ...
- has effective interpersonal skills
- has quality personal relationships
- provides feedback for better relationships
- assesses needs and diagnoses problems
- expresses their philosophy in their own lives
- tries to understand your relationship behavior
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- is sensitive and genuine
- is competent and caring
- is accepting and empathic
- is trustworthy and credible
- is experienced and supportive
- is friendly and knowledgeable
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Ask yourself if this person is likely to
help you change your limiting beliefs and habits. Good mentoring
is often unlearning
and re-education. Can this potential mentor inspire you to:
- recover and use your missing
qualities, expertise and skills?
- dissolve emotional trauma and abuse and
rebuild your motivation?
- dissolve and replace relationship bonds
for healthier relationships?
- dissolve mentor or therapy damage and
find inspirational mentorship?
- end self-criticism and inner
conflict, and coach you to recover integrity?
- evaluate and help you change your beliefs and relationship entanglements?
- define and fulfill your goals, resolve your
objections and help plan for your success?
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Mentor Abuse & Toxic Mentorship
Every coach, counselor and therapist makes mistakes.
Occasionally I forget an appointment, I am late, I get the time zone wrong -
whatever. Although some people demand perfection, part of life is
accepting that people are people. Mistakes can be annoying and
inconvenient, yet are probably not abuse.
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My therapist used a lot of fancy jargon
to explain why his treatments should work,
but avoided the subject of why they didn't ... except to call me resistant.
Singapore |
Mentor abuse occurs when people try to control or
manipulate you. They may use religious words to advance their own agenda,
or proclaim social goals to hide their need for power. Such abuse may
entangle your personal integrity with unwanted philosophies,
dogma or political agendas.
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My husband's (male) therapist told
me that I had to relieve my husband's sexual frustration or it would be my fault
if my husband had an affair. Charlotte, North Carolina |
The result? You may become dependent or compliant.
You may believe and do things that you would previously avoid. You
may feel anxious if you do not follow their intuitions or orders. You
may feel depressed that you have alienated your family or friends.
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My counselor told me to forgive my
uncle, who raped me. When I asked him how I should do that, he looked at
me with contempt and told me to go to church. Dallas, Texas |
Later, you may not trust any authority. You
may be unable to discern who supports you, and who does not. You may dismiss
all potential mentors as charlatans; all therapists as con-artists;
all counselors as crooks. You may feel victimized, impotent and angry
... much like many other victims of abuse.
If you are uncertain about a mental health treatment,
question both your own and your therapist's perceptions. Independent, external
evidence is most conservative and most reliable when trying to determine if
something is worth believing. Get another opinion if ...
- a therapist says that your symptoms are sure signs
of past events that you have forgotten
- a therapist says that your resistance is a sure
sign that you need more frequent, expensive, or intensive treatment
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Since I entered the world of NLP,
hypnotherapy and inspirational self-improvement, my life has changed. I
definitely don't like these changes, but I can't get out of them because
they were imprinted in me on an emotional level. |
A crisis need not last forever and you can heal your
wounds from your own errors and from other peoples' incompetence. As you heal
yourself of mentor, spiritual or therapy damage, you can find healthy
ways to express your love and regain self-esteem.
We help people trust themselves again.
Part 2: Therapist Damage & Spiritual Abuse
Online Coaching for Mentor Abuse
Plagiarism is theft.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2005-2011 All rights reserved.
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