|
Were you abandoned, betrayed or rejected by someone you loved?
Have you deserted or pushed away someone who loved you?
Many people have told us that they are unhappy
because their parents either didn’t love them, or loved them in the wrong
way. Many people told us why and how they distanced themselves from their
parents - emotionally and geographically. And many parents have told us
about the pain of feeling abandoned.
Parents often complain about their children's lack of
gratitude and ask why it happened. "What did we do wrong?" they ask us.
"We did the best we could! Why don't they love us now like when they were small!
I wish they had never grown up! I wish they were never born!"
For us, one sign of emotional
maturity is when parents
and their children can see each other as ordinary people.
Even young children seem to grasp how much they
depend on their parents' love. And young children may convince themselves, despite
evidence, that their parents are good, caring people who love them. Children
often distort reality and bond to their fantasies of parents -
rather than to real people. When they later grow up, they may cling to their
childish fantasies ... and reject their parents.
|
I left home when I was fifteen. I banished
my parents from my heart and my mind.
They blamed me for everything and tried to make look after them and then
blamed me more. I don't want to hear them criticizing me ever again. |
What does REJECTED mean?
- To refuse to consider; to deny
- To discard as defective or useless; to throw away
- To refuse to recognize or give affection to (a person)
- To refuse to accept, to submit to, to believe, or to make
use of
Both rejecting someone and being rejected
are stressful events that usually feel horrible (for healthy people).
When your own family rejects you, it is worse. And worst of all may be
when your own child rejects or
ignores you. This is a person to whom you gave life, someone who once
depended on you. Yet, there are times when you may feel rejected by a child, for
many reasons.
Signs of Rejection
Young children who reject their parents may be
diagnosed with attachment disorders
In
blended families,
children often reject a new step-parent, especially adolescents and teenagers.
When adult children ignore or reject parents - there is usually something
systemic going on - something hidden in the family structure or
relationship dynamics.
A child may dislike a parent's decision and
dispute it, but it's rarely a family crisis. But you promised we would go
to the beach today! You're a bad Mummy! Teenagers and adult children who
feel betrayed may use hurtful words and take more direct action - e.g.
Screw you - I'll do what I want!
Many parents enjoy a good relationship with
their children until a crisis such as separation or divorce - and then
they feel rejected by their children. Some warning signs of parental
rejection are that a child:
- ignores a parent or step-parent
- becomes distant and dissociated
- insists that he or she hates a parent
- is afraid of stating his or her
concerns
- tries many ways to make a parent
go away
- can’t remember any good times
with a parent
- criticizes one or both parents for
having sexual affairs
- can’t identify any acceptable
qualities in a rejected parent
- can’t identify any unacceptable
qualities in an aligned parent
- cannot clearly describe behaviors
(e.g. “Dad is mean to Mom”)
If a child is worrying about a parent, this may indicate that
the child perceives the parent as an immature victim. Many children try to
partner or parent such parents. If unchecked, such confusion
may lead to many relationship confusion throughout life. See
covert emotional incest.
Rejection is Part of Life
If you are a parent, it is not likely that
your children will always accept and respect your decisions. It is more
likely that you will sometimes feel rejected. Much worse than your
actions, beliefs or decisions being rejected is being
rejected for who you are by someone you love, e.g. by your
partner - or your parents - or your child.
|
People with
toxic parents can move on, leave them behind and get help
to avoid
a lifetime of unresolved pain and regret. New York, USA
|
Being rejected by friends or colleagues can be very unpleasant,
but being rejected by family members or a life partner can trigger overwhelming
emotions. Rejection or betrayal by a significant person may change your
beliefs and motivation, your relationships and your ability to succeed.
And these feelings often continue for years - unless remedied. We help people
change.
|
My mother kept my father from me. She
falsely accused him of horrible things and robbed me of a Dad. She
boasted about how she manipulated the legal system to get more from him.
It was always about her and never about love. She wrecked his life ... and
mine. I never want to see her again. London, UK |
Maturity & Rejection
Maturity helps predict how people respond to rejection.
Mature people may acknowledge the situation, deal with self-pity, pick
themselves up, remember their past successes, accept reality as it is
and move on with their lives. (If you don't know how to do that
- maybe ask for our coaching.)
|
My step-parents forbade me to show
affection to my real parents.
They made me reject them, I HAD to say that I hated my parents or be punished. |
Sometimes, does a minor rejection cause you to relive major
rejections and trigger huge emotions from past relationship disappointments?
Unpleasant childhood memories often include feeling helpless and resourceless.
(This is often called age regression.)
We can coach you through and past all this. We can help you
assimilate and resolve the unpleasant emotional consequences of being rejected;
and change your habits that lead to further rejection.
Rejection & Identity Loss
Family members are usually alert to justice and guilt,
and respond to perceived injustice following the examples set by parents
and grandparents. A common response to rejection and injustice is what
we call identity loss.
We find that resolving identity loss solves so many problems that it is at
the center of our individual coaching. Four common forms of severe identity
loss are:
- Tries to live someone else's life (Identifications)
- Cannot change beliefs or behavior (Relationship Bonds)
- Cannot make decisions without conflict (Identity Conflict)
- Cannot describe, feel or express emotions (Lost Identity)
Identifications occur if you identify with another
person and (unconsciously) express emotions and attitudes of your role
model. (Watching cinema often produces short-term identification lasting
only a few hours). Some common identifications have predictable sets of
symptoms:
- Identification with a victim: chronic anger,
suspicion, vandalism and possibly violence
- Identification with a dead person: chronic
sadness, melancholy and possibly suicide
- Identification with a hero: chronic fear,
anxiety attacks and possibly agoraphobia
Relationship Bonds may cause you to stay in
unpleasant relationships despite having good reasons to leave. You may
be emotionally bonded - feeling helpless and hopeless - with
limiting beliefs such as "I must do as I am told",
"I don't deserve better" or "I am too stupid to
leave". (Such unpleasant beliefs are often conditions
for difficult relationships to continue.)
Identity Conflict may cause you to swing between
two moods. A decision or promise made in one
persona may be forgotten or ignored in the other. (In extreme cases,
you may be diagnosed with bipolar disorder or, if amnesic of
the personality changes, with multiple personality syndrome.)
Lost Identity indicates a lost sense of self, or
childish behavior in adults. This can
follow child abuse, rejection or trauma. Do you often function in a
robot-like manner and not participate in life?
|
Do you cause family and friends to suffer
because you have emotional problems and you won't get help? |
We can help you change unpleasant
emotions and build healthier relationships.
Online
Coaching for Better Relationships
Plagiarism is theft.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2010-2012 All rights reserved.
|
