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While the word "curse" may conjure up images
of witchcraft, black magic and horror movies, I often hear people say that they
or their
family seems to be cursed. While I generally avoid this word, 'curse' does
sum up the seemingly inexplicable events that happen in families - generation
after generation.
Family Blessings or Family Curses
Some families seem especially lucky - or unlucky. The idea of
family blessings and curses being passed down from generation to generation
may sound a bit medieval, although you can check the relevance of this
idea in your own family.
It's common knowledge that the behavior, emotions and
personalities of parents influence the behavior, emotions and personalities
of their children. Its commonly known that children, as they become adults,
either become like their parents or react against them ... and sometimes both.
Some families seem to enjoy more good luck, while other
families suffer more tragedies. While every family must cope with diseases,
accidents and deaths these and similar occurrences may not
only impact the daily life of a family, they
seem to influence a family for generations.
The Greek mythology underlying Western culture suggests that
blessings and curses were inflicted by deities. Nowadays, few people think in
terms of families being blessed or cursed although in most
families habits and attitudes can cross generations, bringing good fortune
or misfortune.
Families include feelings, emotions and
rules as well as people. Families are strongly affected by pleasures,
pains and perceptions of justice.
Family Psyche ... Family Karma
The exclusion of one or more family members
may not only hurt and humiliate those being rejected. Other members of a
family, perhaps in the next generation, often try to "bring back"
missing family members, sometimes by adoption, marriage, or more often by
expressing the emotions and feelings of the missing members.
Some families seem plagued by repeating
consistent patterns of broken marriages, addictions, suicide and disease.
In 'Planetary Threads' Lynn Bell describes how attitudes and experiences
may be embedded in a family psyche.
These attitudes can affect generations,
often emerging when each family member reaches the age at which his or her
predecessors themselves re-enacted an older story. (Some family therapists
call this "an anniversary syndrome").
We help people explore and change how
family events affect their physical and emotional health; how
disease, deaths, accidents or loss seem to be repeated in each
generation. We offer opportunities to
understand themselves as well as their families.
You can prevent unpleasant events and tragedies being
repeated by your children - and by their children. You can end and prevent
cross-generational family entanglements.
A
Medical Doctor's Perspective .
Identifications
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The ancient Greek myths about family
blessings and curses show consistent features.
- A person is blessed by a god.
- The person rejects the conditions imposed by
the god, including the humility appropriate to the blessing (hubris).
- The blessing is abused and becomes an abuse of
divinity, an abuse of one's own soul ... and of one's own children.
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In a Greek myth, Laius rapes a
youth, and later exposes his own son to die.
Tantalus cooks his son as a
meal for the gods. His other sons, Atreus
and Thyestes, destroy their
own children. Agamemnon sacrifices his
daughter to win the Trojan War.
Each generation of this family abuses or kills a child. |
- The person abuses a child - symbolically (abuse of
creative potential) or literally. (Child abuse within families often
has repercussions over many generations)
- The descendents who inherit the blessing/curse can
atone by accepting punishment, but do not. This strengthens the
blessing/curse for the next generation.
- The family is warned about the consequences, but
the warning is deliberately misunderstood or rejected. (Attempts to
avoid the warning fulfill the warning.)
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I am not blaming esoteric agencies for the
repeating sorrows which plague so many families. Rather, I consider families as
systems - with systemic rules. People not only inherit their ancestors'
genetic blueprints, they also bond to the deep (and often unstated) beliefs,
attitudes and values.
It is difficult for children, even as adults, to
liberate themselves from their ancestors entanglements. Such liberation may
mean:
- attempting to break free of their
generational heritage
- emotional separating themselves from one or
both parents
- struggling with guilt of turning against or
abandoning a parent
- coming to terms with their anger about
injustices they experienced
- the unrequited longing for a love they never
had and will probably never have
While
alcoholism or depression may cross generations, becoming alcoholic or
depressed because is more than DNA. Whether the means of inheritance is
physical, cognitive, emotional, something seems to pass down the
generations - something that appears to follow rules.
For us, family blessings and curses are
sets of rules about behaviors which people can explore and change.
Identifying and changing such rules is part of our everyday changework.
Family Secrets
Family curses and family blessing are
embedded in family secrets. We acknowledge the generational repetition
of important events; and that people can receive and transmit
intergenerational conflicts.
While family curses may seem to be imposed
on innocent children, family curses are opportunities to redeem something
wonderful which was abused through arrogance, stupidity, malice or ignorance.
When patterns from the past motivate us to
compulsively shape our
futures, we solve nothing by passively anticipating disaster nor by
believing ourselves to be exempt. We can consciously separate from the family
psyche, emerging as an individual - lonely, unique and
attuned to the needs of one's own soul.
Identification with a family is not an
intelligent option. There is no room for either naivety or arrogance
with family ghosts. We can reflect on the past carefully, for we are
mediums for the unlived gifts of the family psyche and a vessel for
the energy and life that have been denied or abused.
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Most remedial approaches deal only with symptoms, and not with
systemic roots. Following such interventions, the system renews the
symptom or creates another, continuing to express the dysfunction.
People can be ill from the same illness repetitively, or from
successive similar diseases. Martyn's systemic coaching resolves
fundamental imbalances; until symptoms spontaneously disappear.
Rooted in relationships are: physical illnesses,
compulsive-addictive behavior, mental blocks and repetitive life
crises. Ana Pejcinova, PhD |
Family Coaching
Most human behavior is influenced and maintained by the
way people interact. We help individual members
or whole families change. Optimistic and
dynamic, our coaching fits a changing world.
- How close are your family members now?
- What do you want your family to do together?
- How do you want to improve family happiness?
- What could stop you being happy together?
- What would empower all of you?
Exploring these questions allows you and your
family to re-evaluate the situation. The questions may seem
one-dimensional and simple ... yet your answers to these questions will likely be
multi-dimensional and profound.
Coaching Teenagers .
Coaching Young Adults .
Coaching Older Clients
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Systemic Food for Thought |
'The
family system is an idea that may have taken us off track. It
is better to do away with the concept of the family system to which
the treating professional is as active a contributor as anyone else. We
would then not say the system creates the problem, but that the problem
creates the system. In other words, a problem does
not exist independently of the "observing systems" that are reciprocally
and collectively defining the problem.'
Boscolo et al,1987
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Changing Families
To change family behavior, first perceive all family problems and
resources as aspects of family relationships. Avoid blaming anybody. Create
opportunities for shared responsibility. Develop self-esteem and
healthy behavior, and healthy relationship skills.
Members of families, teams, organizations and
communities are connected with each other, both with those present and those who
have left. The healing effects continue to unfold as you
honor those who have belonged to your family, respecting their fates and
their burdens.
We help people heal relationship
habits and emotional baggage. We can provide
ongoing coaching, evaluation and feedback. The effects are immediate - and
unfold over generations.
Online
Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 2003-2011 All rights reserved.
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