Home Page

Our Coaching

Funny Page

Facebook  Community

Summary

Solutions for Guilt, Shame & Regret
Practical Conscience � Martyn Carruthers

Online Coaching

A native Hawaiian healer, Papa Henry Auwae, told me that the average ha'ole
(white American tourist) carries enough guilt to kill a native Hawaiian.
More and more people manage huge burdens of guilt by
ignoring, dissociating or medicating unpleasant feelings.

Guilt is often perceived as a sign of responsibility and morality,
although it often causes people to feel paralyzed by past events.

People who cannot resolve guilt may feel overwhelmed and obsessed.
They may feel depressed or dissociated - in lives that don't make sense.

Guilty or Not Guilty?

Are you expert at feeling bad? For most people, guilt refers to unpleasant feelings connected to beliefs about injustice, feelings that may also be called shame or regret. Are you also skilled at using guilt to manipulate or control other people's behavior?

People who say I am guilty may be communicating:

1. I have been manipulated
2. I feel regret for real or imagined mistakes
3. I fear retribution for abusing or violating someone
4. I feel I am responsible for a person's pain or suffering
5. I feel frustrated when I see someone suffer that I cannot help
6. I feel confusion for not responding to a situation in a better way
7. I feel remorse for egocentric, aggressive or critical communications

Often, under the feeling called guilt seems to be a sense of justice that limits choice until injustice has been amended. This sense of justice seems to be part of a sense of life or desire for happiness. But if guilt causes people to hate themselves or deny reality, then that guilt may lead to depression or dissociation rather than to improvement.

Excessive guilt is associated with depression, obsessions and compulsions, but what does excessive mean? A lack of guilt may result in people being called psychopaths ... but who decides when the feeling of guilt is appropriate? Who decides when you have suffered enough?

We help people resolve guilt by dissolving relationship fixations, enmeshments and transferences. This also helps people grow up as they enhance their emotional maturity.

Guilt, Manipulation & Influence

Guilt is a powerful tool that is often used to manipulate or influence people. Some people may manipulate you, and perhaps you influence others. If manipulated by guilt, you may believe that:

• you must sabotage your own success
• you are responsible for relationship problems
• someone will suffer if you do not fulfill a demand
• you must fulfill demands, even if you do not want to
• you should feel bad for past, present or future actions
• you must perform tasks that are not your responsibility

Avoid Guilt ... or Resolve Guilt?

Some common ways that you may avoid dealing with feelings of guilt are to:

• become perfectionist
• avoid making decisions
• distract yourself or overwork
• ignore your needs and desires
• retreat to inactivity and silence
• ignore most of your emotions and feelings

Guilt can be a useful barometer of your need to live life based on rational thinking. People who try to avoid feeling guilt may successfully avoid feeling any emotions. They may lose their ability to learn from internal feelings and lose contact with their emotional identity. We call this Identity Loss.

Guilt & Beliefs

We help people change beliefs by which you may attempt to rationalize your feelings. Forgiveness is rarely the answer - until you can truly forgive yourself. Do you try to take one step from sin to forgiveness, without repentance and restitution? It doesn't work. Unresolved guilt returns as shame or depression - and although roots can grow deep in the dark, why extend your darkness?

Do you suffer any of these common guilt-ridden beliefs?

1. I do not deserve to be happy
2. It is my fault if others are not happy
3. I am responsible for my family's happiness
4. I am responsible for anything happens to my family
5. I must not be happy when people expect me to suffer

Can you Forgive?

Forgiveness is an abused word. If you are told to forgive someone ... what does that mean? When I teach in Catholic countries in Europe - I will usually ask the class HOW to forgive someone who has hurt you. The most common answers I hear are typically;

1. Lies: "I will pretend to forget your behavior!"
2. Devils Deals: "I will ignore what you did if you don't talk about what I did."
3. Spiritual Ego: "Because I am such an enlightened being ... I forgive you."

For me - to forgive means to not punish. It does not mean to forget or to be superior to. A more important concept in my coaching is to atone ... how can people atone for their actions? ... what can they do for the injured person to balance their hurtful actions?

Solutions for Guilt, Shame and Regret

Review the actions or events about which you feel guilt.

1. Who have you hurt ... and how exactly did you hurt that person?
2. Discuss with a friend or coach whether your actions were appropriate and acceptable?
3. If so, acknowledge your appropriate behavior - do the guilt feelings diminish?
4. If your behavior was appropriate and you still feel bad - we can help you.
5. If your behavior was unacceptable, discuss with a friend what you can do to rectify the situation.
6. What can you learn from this experience that will help you be a better person?

Guilt and Maturity

Maturity isn't an award given to good children. Some people develop maturity, while other people avoid it. We can help people check if their reasons for feeling guilty are valid. And then we help people resolve any hurtful decisions. Some questions to consider:

1. Responsibility. Was it really your responsibility or fault?
2. Reality. Can you overcome your feelings of guilt, regret and shame?
3. Motivation. If you harmed someone, is their suffering is a result of your actions?
4. Analysis. Can you learn from consequences and let your remorse be constructive?
5. Forgive. If you don't make mistakes you are not normal. What will you do about them?

The consequences of guilt rarely fade away. If you hurt someone, your guilt can depress your life - even after you forget about or hide the memory. Guilt can trigger depression, lost sense of life, self-sabotage, psychosomatic symptoms and even suicide. We help people ...

•  avoid repeating regretted actions
•  forgive themselves ... and understand other people
•  remedy relationship damage or emotional consequences
•  change behavior by changing their communication or focus
•  resolve abuse, abandonment or betrayal in ways that end guilt

Guilt will not alter your past nor make you a better person. However, you can learn from your past and not deny nor obsess about it. We coach people to dissolve guilt, manage shame and end regret, and other unpleasant consequences to themselves, their partners and their children.

Try a piece of paradoxical coaching ... make yourself feel as guilty as possible for a few minutes and notice what happens to the feeling of guilt, the memory and your desire to blame yourself?

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright � Martyn Carruthers 1996-2011 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people dissolve emotional blocks, improve relationships and achieve goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... ask for permission to post, publish or teach this work.