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Do you criticize yourself often? Do you put yourself down?
Are you repeating your parents' habits? Do you want to untangle your
relationships and emotions?
Internal dialog or self-talk
is essential for learning from the past, for logical thinking and
for planning the future. Internal dialog seems to be generally healthy and
necessary for everyday life, yet excessive self-criticism and worrying can
have unpleasant consequences.
People who are often angry or critical (with
themselves or others) rarely perceive that they need help. And sometimes helping
professionals may avoid assisting them because of their verbal and nonverbal
criticism, hostility or resistance which emerges during meetings.
Such people may be diagnosed with Borderline
Personality Disorder (characterized by emotional impulsivity, instability,
emptiness and anger at self and others). Such sequential incongruence is
often expressed as mood swings ... perhaps first idolizing a person and then
despising that person ... or loving themselves and then hating themselves. Their
emotions swing between extremes.
People I meet showing such incongruence usually
describe childhood relationship disappointments. They typically blame their
behavior on some crisis or difficult person that makes them feel
depressed, anxious, empty or frustrated. They often talk about parts of
themselves - parts that are in conflict.
Do you Criticize Yourself?
How quiet - or noisy - is your mind? When things go well
in your life, what do you say to yourself? And when things go badly ...
what do you say then? Are you nice to yourself - or nasty? Many people have
told us that, especially when stressed, they say terrible things to
themselves ... things that they might not say to a hated enemy.
We have helped many people explore and change their inner
critics. It is mostly habitual ... often a leftover from childhood. It seems
that if children are often criticized, then hearing criticism and feeling
unpleasant can become normal, and may even be accepted as evidence of love
(perhaps with a meta-message of "If I didn't love you I wouldn't
criticize you!").
If being criticized is normal - how can you continue
feeling normal if no-one criticizes you? Yes, that's right ... you may criticize
yourself. Paradoxically, self-criticism often seems to support emotional
stability ... it can support your feeling that everything is as it should be!
Whatever you want - a good income, pleasant relationships
or to participate in social projects - supportive inner dialog can keep you
going. Or do you object to your own happiness? Do you suffer
from impulsiveness, laziness or procrastination?
Why Worry?
Some people motivate themselves by worrying - some people use
worrying to kick-start their problem-solving and creativity skills. But many
people seem to become so preoccupied with “what ifs” and worst-case
scenarios, that their doubts and fears paralyze them from acting constructively.
Does worrying sap your life energy, increase your anxiety
or interfere with your life? Chronic worrying is a mental habit that you can change. We
coach people to stay calm and resourceful.
Worry kills more people than work
because more people worry than work. Robert Frost
Cognitive Coaching
We integrated cognitive coaching into our work to help people overcome difficulties
with their thinking. We help people identify and change their hidden beliefs and
taboo thoughts. Once you can challenge your habitual worries ... and your
underlying thoughts and feelings ... it is easier to change your them.
It's too difficult! or you don't have
the money, or you don't have the time or you don't
know how. How often do you say things like that? And how many more of these
might apply to
you?
- I feel guilty if I say "No".
- I expect myself to be perfect.
- I have a low opinion of myself.
- I start projects but I don't finish them.
- I usually feel like I'm not doing enough.
- I don't find ways to express my talents or abilities.
- I'm making a lot less money than I should be making.
For many people,
self-sabotage is a way of life! If you’re one of those people, and if you want to
change, we have something wonderful for you! Dissolving self-defeating habits can
bring you closer to your goals than any amount of complaining about your life,
blaming others, justifying your lack of success or hiding behind excuses.
When Do You Criticize Yourself?
You criticize yourself when you:
- avoid solving problems
- obsess about past errors
- tell yourself you're not lovable
- avoid coaching and mentorship
- pursue goals you don't really want
- not practice activities you want to improve
- remain addicted to a thing, activity or a person
Why Would You Sabotage Yourself?
Do you think thoughts like: "I don't stick to my goals;
I don't finish my work on time; I am miserable because I deserve it"?
Although self-sabotage may seem to manifest as thoughts and actions, the
underlying unpleasant feelings and emotions are usually based on relationship
issues.
Many people believe that self-sabotage is associated with low
self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-love and low self-confidence, we find such
comments to be rather abstract and trivial. We continually find that self-sabotage
reflects relationship history.
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I have built many businesses to a certain
level of success, and then just watched them collapse. I have repeated this
pattern all my life. During your coaching I realized that I could never let
myself be more successful than my mother. Honolulu, Hawaii |
Leaving these issues unresolved may simply cause you to
repeat self-sabotage in more try-cycles. If things don't change - they stay
the same! You can resolve these issues or you can prepare for failure.
Ways to Reduce Self Criticism
- Get at least 6 - 8 hours of sleep each night
- Avoid taking stimulants that increase anxiety
- Plan 30 minutes of physical exercise each day
- Relax yourself with meditation and
breathing exercises
- Eat healthy food and minimize sugar, alcohol and
caffeine
- Get coaching for emotional blocks and relationship
problems
- Get some help with child care, housekeeping and
household tasks
Practical Steps to Success
After resolving fixations and toxic bonds, these steps can
empower success. (But if you haven't resolved the underlying issues, these
steps may simply start more sabotage try-cycles.)
- Give credit
where credit is due.
- Remember that you are replaceable!
- Deliver results! Your success reflects
your accountability.
- Promote yourself! Let colleagues know
about your successes.
- Knowledge is power.
Keep learning new ideas and approaches.
- Choose your friends! Spend time with
people who motivate you to stretch.
- Keep perspective! Seek the
perspective of respected colleagues or a coach.
Summary
Most self-sabotage reflects
relationship fixations and emotions that can be changed.
Contact us if you want to understand and
change your beliefs,
manage your emotions and
make peace with your inner terrorist.
Online Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
2007-2012 All rights reserved. |
