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Enmeshment refers to two systems which influence each other. When the state of one part of an
enmeshed system is known, information about the other may be deduced
without direct interaction. This quantum interaction also describes human relationships.
From: Entanglement Part 1
Between Enmeshment and Detachment
Some people are enmeshed - they
have woven their lives and identities around one another so tightly that it is
difficult for any one of them to function independently. And some people are
detached - they are so independent that it is difficult to assess
their relationship. Most healthy relationships are somewhere between
enmeshment and detachment.
Relationship Enmeshments & Dysfunctional Families
Entanglements and enmeshments refer to
blocks and habits that can cause confusion and suffering in
relationships. Relationship entanglements are often associated with dysfunctional
families, abandonment, betrayal and crime - and relationship
entanglements are very, very common.
Were you blamed for whatever
happened in your family? If so, you may still feel unworthy, and
criticize yourself for most things that you do, or not do, including how other people behave.
You are entangled or enmeshed if you believe that you really have so much power.
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Are you Enmeshed? |
- Do you fear rejection?
- Do you feel like a victim?
- Do you blame and criticize yourself?
- Do you reject compliments or praise?
- Do you avoid buying things for yourself?
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- Do you feel endless guilt?
- Do you feel ashamed of who you are?
- Do you think your life is not worth living?
- Do you try to help people live their lives?
- Do you believe you deserve good things?
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Fear and Control
You may have lived with unpredictable people.
You may be afraid to let other people be who they are. You may worry
about ridiculous things or offer endless unwanted advice. People may call
you a know-it-all if you try to control people with knowledge. They may call you a
control freak if you
try to influence them with threats, or a victim if you try to
manipulate them through helplessness. Eventually
they will express anger - and you may feel hurt, rejected and perhaps devastated.
You may ignore problems, or pretend they aren't
happening, or pretend that your situation isn't so bad.
You may lie to yourself that things will get better soon, and distract
yourself. You may feel confused, depressed or sick. You may try to
control whatever provides good feelings - even people.
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Enmeshed Love |
- Do you you stay in bad relationships?
- Do you you worry people will leave you?
- Do you try to prove you're good enough?
- Do you claim you can't look after yourself?
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- Do you worry if people love you?
- Do you know which people are good for you - and which not?
- Do you accept abuse just to stay close to some people?
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Do you allow or even invite people hurt and humiliate
you, perhaps in similar ways that your parents hurt you? You may not trust
yourself, your feelings, your decisions
or other people. Do you trust untrustworthy people? Do you may
find yourself oscillating between being passive and aggressive?
You may feel confused about your problems, but avoid solving
them. You may hide, lie about and protect your problems. You may pray for your
problems to go away and you may seek someone who can "magic" away
your problems - for few days anyway. But long-term change is not that easy.
Enmeshed Behavior - Enmeshed Identity
If important parts of you are missing or hidden,
you may behave in robot-like ways. Identity Loss is often the first and
most important block to reaching a goal. We divide Identity Loss into:
- Identification - you identify with another
person
- Lost Identity - you lose contact with your
sense of self
- Identity Conflict - you identify with two
or more other people
- Relationship Bonds - you replace your
sense of self with limiting beliefs
Identification
refers to the unconscious acceptance of a dominant
personality (think - "possessed"). Lost Identity refers to
chronic dissociation and Identity Conflict refers to bi-polar
behavior (think "split personality"). Relationship bonds
refer to beliefs and emotions that bond you to other people.
Chronic Inappropriate Emotions
Are you partially or totally identified with someone else?
Many people are. Do you feel
normal, just and right when you express emotions with behavior that other
people call inappropriate or abnormal? Do you try to make sense of a senseless life?
Personality identification follows systemic rules ...
Note that to identify with someone else, people first lose their own identity. We call this, surprisingly,
identity loss,
and extreme cases we call Lost Identity.
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If you are identified, you may feel
something or somebody in or around you that seems to influence your behavior.
You may feel a sense of protection - or sadness or rage. You may be unable to
define specific life goals. |
A victim identified person is generally angry and
may enjoy annoying people; a dead person identified person
is generally melancholy and may be obsessed with death; and a hero identified
person is generally anxious and may avoid change.
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You said that my symptoms indicated that I might have
"identified" with a dead person ... yes, my dead grandpa felt totally
"me" - he felt more me than myself.
Prague, Czech Republic |
More on Identifications .
Consequences of Abortion .
Learning Disabilities
Lost Identity
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If you have Lost Identity, you may feel
empty and devoid of emotion. Your work and family life may feel empty or
robotic. You may have no real goals, but you can follow directions of other
people, or your "voice-like" thoughts. |
- You have little or no motivation
- You are unable to define your own goals or
outcomes
- You express few or no emotions and appear
dissociated (very distracted)
You probably know people who seem so dreamy or
lost or immature that they cannot make practical decisions. (See:
Recover Lost Resources). The lights are
on but nobody may seem to be home. They are unlikely to want to change ...
rather they are unlikely to have any meaningful goals. There may be little trace
of a real person inside the skin.
Identity Conflict
Do you feel normal, just and right, even when switching
between two different personalities? You may not notice - although other
people will be puzzled by your swings - not only in mood but in beliefs,
values and priorities. Identity conflict is how a person (usually as a
child) makes sense of two powerful conflicting influences - usually (but
not always) conflicting parents.
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If you have identity conflict, you
may prefer six or seven simultaneous tasks. If you make decisions or
promises in one mood, you may forget, deny or rescind those decisions
or promises in another mood. |
- You cannot focus on one thing for more than a
short time
- You show profound mood swings between two
sub-personalities
- You may forget or deny promises or decisions made
in the "other" personality
These symptoms are so common that you may not
perceive them as unusual. You simply learn to distrust or at least not to rely
on certain people. Extreme mood swings may be labeled bi-polar disorder
(manic-depression) or anxiety disorders. (See:
Resolve Complex Conflict).
If you are seeking a helping professional,
you probably seek a mature adult who has empathy, experience and expertise.
You probably want help changing your emotions, your
relationships or your beliefs. Who can help you resolve your unique situation?
And who might make it worse?
Online Coaching for Enmeshed People
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2011 All rights reserved. |
