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We offer training on verbal aikido,
accelerated learning, expert modeling and non-verbal communication. We teach our Verbal
Aikido internationally.
Verbal Self Defense
Perhaps you react to difficult people or verbal abuse
like a warrior, when you feel strong enough to stand and fight. Or maybe
you immediately become passive, like a beaten dog. Your reactions
may depend on your perception of the power difference between the abuser
and you. Fight or flight.
Both your fight or your flight may
cause problems. Either way, you may later feel stupid, bad or childish.
Do you want to improve your reactions - but you don't know how? An
important question is - Would you like to respond to verbal attacks
as a responsible adult, with mature reactions?
Verbal self-defense is about your attitude and your
relationship skills. If you can stay emotionally mature and remember that many attacks are
pleas for help, you to tolerate or even
enjoy responding to difficult people, with compassion and without
sympathy, in ways that fit your
sense of life.
Downsizing
. Difficult Employees
. Hiring, Firing & Inspiring
Prepare Yourself
Sooner or later, probably sooner, you will
experience some of the following:
- Direct attacks
- Deception and bluff
- Confusing communication
- Verbal and nonverbal objections
- Victim games: blame, excuses, justifications
& complaints
Whether or not a person is being deliberately difficult is
not as important as how you deal with it. When it happens, you won't have
enough time to find this page. Instead, we can coach you
develop mental and emotional reflexes to have the resources that you need
- when you need them.
Emotional Blackmail
. Client Abuse
. Abusive Relationships
Listen Carefully
If you hear something that you dislike; you may assume that
the communication is false, or not worth listening to, and stop listening.
If the communication might be important, listen carefully anyway, until
you understand what's being communicated, and why. This is especially true
when children talk.
You don't have to agree with people; it is usually more important to
acknowledge that your attacker’s feelings are valid. Then you can gently explore
the real issues and perhaps even work together to solve some problem.
Confusion
Your confusion may be honest and spontaneous - and
your confusion may be the goal of a subtle attack (common in interviews
and interrogation.) Confused people may respond childishly. Explore what
exactly is being asked and try to recognize if the communication
was deliberately confusing.
Examples of confusing communication include:
- Someone says "Yes" and signals
"No"; or vice versa
- Someone says "Yes, but ..." to
your ideas or suggestions
- Someone gives you false, inadequate or too much
information
- Someone talks irrationally - (we call this
alphabet soup and word salad)
Confusing communication may especially occur if:
- Someone has a hidden agenda
- Someone blames you for being difficult
- Someone imagines that you are someone else
- Someone imagines that you know more than you do
Our Verbal Aikido workshops and systemic coach training offer you
many ways to clarify confusion. We can help you stay resourceful in chaotic
situations.
Deception
Some people will directly lie to you about important
issues. Your child didn't eat the chocolate. Your partner wasn't at
a party last night. This used car only had one owner. The house is
not in a flood zone. Your government will tax other people for your benefit ...
- Someone deliberately misleads you
- Someone withholds important information
- Someone pretends to know more than they know
- Someone pretends to not know important
information
One possibility is to tell your simple truth and
ask for clarity:
- "How can I know if that is true?"
- "Based on what you have told me ... "
- "How can I know that what you say
is true"
- "What else can you tell me that is
relevant?"
You have many other choices that we cover in our
coach training.
Objections
This may be important whenever you want a
decision. You ask your partner to go with you to the opera, and your
partner says "No", or perhaps worse, says "Yes,
dear" while coughing and rolling the eyes.
- Someone verbally objects to your statement or
idea
- Someone non-verbally objects to your
statement or idea
Our coach training provides the skills for coaches,
counselors and therapists to assist difficult clients by dissolving
objections within ordinary conversations. See
Corporate Coaching
Victim Games
In older times, a leper had to carry a bell to warn
others of his or her approach. Although leprosy is now controlled by
medication, another disease has its warning bells. Immature people who wish to
avoid responsibility use four time-tested bells: Blame, Excuses,
Justifications and Complaints.
An excuse is the skin of a
reason - stuffed with lies
Many people who play these destructive victim
games are entangled with or codependent with their parents,
partners or children. One way to find truth is to ask for details: "You
say that you are late because you had a puncture? Which wheel was
it? Did you have a spare or did you go to a garage?"
Emotional Incest
. End Codependence .
Affairs
Direct Verbal Attack
- Someone criticizes you overtly or covertly
- Someone attacks your behavior, beliefs or
values
- Someone undermines your identity or sense of self
Assume that criticism is an unstated wish for
your benefit, regardless of evidence to the contrary. Give space for attackers
to defend you! Many would-be critics end up telling people how effective we are.
Assume they have hidden
agendas. Work from your heart. Avoid deception and manipulation.
Most criticism is autobiography!
Assume that an attacker gets some benefit out of attacking you and,
if it seems worthwhile to you, uncover those benefits. These useful skills
for a team leader, human resources professional or manager are part of our
systemic coach training.
Chronic Verbal Attackers
If you pause and notice what's going on, you can
better use your resources. You may not like the attacker, nor enjoy
the attack, but you may find much better choices than fighting
or running.
- They may be entangled with other people
- They may know no other way to communicate
- They may abuse or criticize themselves MUCH worse
Difficult people are often living out their parents' conflicts.
Knowing this, you can sculpt your communication style. See
Mother -
Son Entanglements .
Father - Daughter
Bonds Parry the Attack
You always have choice. Some sad choices include:
- Retaliate - "How DARE you say
that to me!"
- Ignore - "I will pretend that
you didn't say that"
- Plead - "You
KNOW I don't have time to discuss that now!"
- Retreat - "You are right -
I am an idiot - have mercy on me!"
These reward your attacker with your resourceless
reaction, and may encourage an attacker to abuse you again. Some
other choices can show your attacker that you are mature, adult and
resourceful. You can motivate them to communicate resourcefully
also, or to take their foolishness elsewhere.
Our verbal aikido offers a vast array of skills for
difficult situations. I assume that you are not obsessed to
teach strangers your version of politeness. Our training offers you many ways to
stay resourceful while responding to important difficult people
in ways that fit with your goals and the relationship type. Note that using verbal aikido in intimate relationships
can diminish or end intimacy.
Interrogation & Hostile Interviews
This refers to heavy verbal attacks, including
hostile interviews, decisions to punish you or cult-like behavior.
Your defense against
Abusive Relationships may include silence, getting professional
legal representation or Exit Coaching.
We can help you change habitual reactions
to verbal attack and find better responses.
Online Coaching
& Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © 2004-2012 by
Martyn Carruthers. All rights reserved.
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